Pre-Orientation Programs in the Ring: Who Would Win The Hunger Games

So, it’s Aug. 26 and you’ve finally made it back to campus from the great outdoors — or maybe you’ve been here for a week putting on your first of many theater shows, serving the community, or learning how to register an American SIM card. Whether you’re navigating dorm logistics or deciphering HUDS menus, you’re learning to survive the lovely world we call the Harvard bubble.

But let’s zoom out for a second. Because really, underneath these events, you’re also stepping into the real world – living alone for the first time, making choices that impact your daily survival (laundry or sleep?). In other words, welcome to your very own version of the Hunger Games. Who in the theoretical game is most likely to survive? Hear me out.

1. FAP

Fappers, oh, Fappers! You have to be some of the most impressive new students on this campus. Not only are your social skills keen from being able to interact with and share ideas with such a large, unfamiliar group of your peers, but you have ENERGY. Your rehearsals are long and unforgiving — a show does not just put itself on overnight! You would definitely make it to the center and grab the most materials for survival, and wouldn’t be afraid to create alliances or work into the wee hours of the night to ensure your success.

2. FIP

This one is almost a given. Our dear friends in FIP are not only navigating adulthood for the first time, they are navigating the entire United States for (often) the first time! Many of us lifelong ’Mericans don’t even know how to manage our own bank accounts or how taxes work – your survival knowledge and street smarts are unmatched. You have the upper hand from knowing people all across the world, so your alliances will likely run strong.

3. FOP

Alright. FOP definitely focuses on the hard skills of survival, like backpacking and surviving on simply tortillas for a week. But, you also get all of the soft skills of survival, like emotional processing, and how to make cheesecake in the woods! What places you at rank number three, you might ask? Overconfidence, and slightly worse hygiene than your peers. A week without a shower is not normal. Don’t keep that habit during the school year.

4. LIFE

Where this program finds its strong suits is its ability to wrangle leaders! You are trained in serving your peers, so you will definitely have no problem finding your way around the Hunger Games arena through and between alliances. I don’t think that there’s really any electricity in the ring, though. No PowerPoint access might pose a problem here – after all, you can only project your voice so far in the great outdoors.

5. FYRE

What I admire about this program is that among the others, it is truly focused around understanding what it means to transition into college! You have been best equipped with all of the skills necessary to succeed on campus. We just hope that all you’ve thought about is not school, though! There is much more to survival, as you will soon learn!

6. FUP

FUPpers. We know that your Pre-O has taught you to be well prepared to serve those around you, which is very admirable! You know how to follow directions, and have a genuine care for those around you. This might lead you astray in the games, as your empathy could be taken for weakness. The games are unforgiving!

All jokes aside, no matter what pre-orientation program you’ve engaged with this year, you have the best challenge ahead of you: your first semester of college! Nobody is here to volunteer as tribute and take your place. So the games begin! As long as you can survive the HUDS fish, you’ll probably survive.