How To Not Ride a Scooter (A Crash Course)

What’s worse than being stuck behind a slow walker while rushing from Vanserg to the SEC, while simultaneously trying to pick up FlyBy, all in the span of 15 minutes? Probably an athlete scooting by you at Mach 10 and spilling your FlyBy soup everywhere, hitting you with a “Whoa, my bad, dude.” I have definitely never been that person before… ever. Hypothetically, though, if I were to be that scooter-er-er, this is how I would rank things I have or have almost annihilated (from oopsies to Remy).

1. Remy — Almost

I’m doing a cool 16 on Quincy St., about to pass that crosswalk from Barker to Lamont. Oh no! A creature has darted into my path! I break a millimeter before disaster and watch Remy run into the Barker Center courtyard. Mind you, this occurred at high noon on a Tuesday. There were many witnesses, and had I not clutched up, I would have been on the first plane out of Boston. My life — over. Thank goodness for my amazing reflexes, or I wouldn’t be here to write this amazing piece for Flyby.

2. Cars — Hit

Technically, they hit me. Technically, this has also happened more than once. Regardless, it was not a good President’s Day. This is your sign to wear a helmet and to get really good insurance. Blinker? I hardly know her!

3. Potholes — Hit

Imagine, if you will, a sunny October day — no coat weather. Hair flowing, inhibitions releasing, Natasha Bedingfield playing while scooting to the Northwest building. Boom. The wind is knocked out of you as you hit the pavement in front of a large number of your peers and a professor. This, unfortunately, does not fall under the almost hit category, but rather the full-on — riding your scooter like Jennifer Gray in Dirty Dancing — category. No one puts Baby in a corner.

4. My Professor — Almost

Okay, this one wasn’t even my fault. I wasn’t the one jaywalking. The only reason this isn’t higher on the list is because I was wearing a ski mask. Although now that I think about it, maybe he did know it was me. That’s probably why I struggled in the class. Yeah. That’s definitely it.

5. Rats — Almost

Surprisingly, I have yet to hit (knock on wood) one of the rodents that terrorize this campus, lurking in the shadows, waiting with a death wish. While I have only almost hit them, if they did end up on my scooter hit list, I’m pretty sure I’d be doing everyone a favor. But it’d be like… super gross. I don’t think I’m going to be able to take one for the team this time. Sorry.

6. Turkeys — Almost

Why are they here? Where did they come from? It had to have been upwards of 35 pounds. Dear God, can you imagine…

Thanks for reading about my greatest hits. Here are some honorable mentions:

- Pedestrians (I’m so sorry. I know I deserve everything that has happened in this list.)

- Speed bumps and cobblestones (uhuhuhuhuh uhuhuh uhuhuh uh uhuhuh)

- Ice (Hey, where’d my shin go?)

- Other people on scooters (instant karma)

Now that we’ve established my terrific track record, I think scooter licenses should probably be a requirement. If you’re reading this, remember to be a thoughtful scooter-er-er, yield to road rules, wear a helmet, and maybe cross the street when you see me coming.