Aggressive Turkeys Force Students To Stay In at Vanserg Hall

Following a section in Vanserg Hall, students were unable to leave the building due to a crowd of turkeys stationed outside the building. Students attempted several escape attempts but were unsuccessful due to the turkeys’ unusual aggressiveness.

The rafter of turkeys — yes, a rafter — strategically placed themselves at all access points across Vanserg, seemingly holding the students there intentionally. Students attempted to flee the building after 75 straight minutes of being lost in Chinese 123XB but were met with the unexpected avian sight.

Students reported the turkeys’ aggressive behavior to HUPD, who were unable to intervene after the turkeys flew at their patrol vehicles — miraculously, turkeys can fly, much to the surprise of law enforcement.

After the failed HUPD intervention, the rafter began loudly and repeatedly gobbling, much to the horror of the trapped student — who had now missed the narrow dining hall lunch hours. After several minutes of the mass gobbling, students deduced that the birds were attempting to communicate with them.

Volunteered to brave the rafter by his fellow classmates, Barry A. Rearmer ’28 approached the turkey brigade and began to speak with them; he had a 108-day Duolingo streak learning Turkeytalk, a language focusing on body movements and sounds used by turkeys. Rearmer started learning Turkeytalk after noticing the abundance of turkeys on campus after arriving last fall.

Rearmer flailed his arms and jumped rapidly, whilst gobbling and imitating the birds’ sounds, asking the rafter why they were holding them captive. The students’ captors — via gobble and the occasional tail-feather raise — expressed that they were sick of students frequenting the walkway outside of Vanserg, one of their favorite hangout spots.

After extensive negotiations, Rearmer came to an agreement with the turkeys: He would lead the rest of the students in an interpretive dance of apology to the birds. All of the students who spoke to The Crimson after the incident refused to explain the dance but said it was “turkey-like and humiliating.”

After spending more than five hours stuck in Vanserg — far more time than anyone should ever spend there —students were set free by their feathered captors.

In recognition of Rearmer’s bravery and ingenuity as an interpreter and hostage negotiator, the Dean of Students Office has awarded him with the First-Year Interspecies Leader Award, a novel addition to the existing DSO Leadership Awards.