Get Rid of the Rafter! Bring Back the Rail!

While we were all ecstatic at the announcement of plans to construct a monorail running from the Quad Lawn to Barry’s Corner (across from Trader Joe’s, for those of you not in the know), apparently there’s been a snag in these plans: the turkeys.

For anyone who is not aware, Harvard recently issued plans to install a monorail system across campus, allowing us all to live our Disney World dreams while attending classes to get jobs that could support a Disney vacation. The purpose of this monorail? Connecting the two farthest ends of campus to each other (kiss the Quad-SEC Express goodbye). The proposed duration of this ride? Five minutes. FIVE minutes. That would even put the River Houses to shame. And the best part? It was promised to be reliable (yes, we’re looking at you Passio GO!).

But, unfortunately, Harvard has abandoned this project. To connect each end of Harvard’s campus, the monorail system would have to pass through campus. Obviously. You know what else passes through campus? Turkeys, lots and lots of turkeys. The turkeys have already been stirring the pot here on campus, before spoiling our monorail dreams. We are still recovering from the fact that Natasha Bedingfield canceled on Yardfest after learning that the Yard is inhabited by turkeys. Who can blame her, though, after hearing that a group of students held captive in Vanserg by a rafter of turkeys — no joke, the word for a collective group of turkeys is rafter — after section is still healing. Word on the street is that transfer applications have been submitted, and no, we are not talking interhouse.

The problem that Harvard sees with this monorail is that it would have to cross through the turkey’s habitat — Harvard Yard. Discussions between Harvard faculty reveal fears of turkeys jumping between trees, pouncing to hit the windows and outer shell of the vehicle. Confused? Let me put it simply — the turkeys want to attack.

So, for now, unfortunately we will still have to rely on our unreliable friend the shuttle system to get between classes. On the bright side, though, we do appreciate that the University has announced its plans to try to keep the turkeys under control starting April 1st, 2025.

Wait.