Leaked: Your Datamatch Matches

Now that Datamatch isn’t asking for Rice Purity Test scores anymore (boo), we had to find something else to expose to the public. Since Flyby is not composed of very competent CS prodigies — we run an online blog, after all — we managed to guess scrape your Datamatch matches! Of course, we are super duper ethical, so we’re not going to release the names (totally not because we don’t actually have them), and we’ve instead anonymized them so you can be privately and not publicly embarrassed.

The Friend of a Friend of a Friend

I’m just saying, never have I ever scrolled through my Datamatch matches and not had at least three of my friends claim to know a person that I have never seen in my life. You’d think this would be a source of reassurance — who wouldn’t want more info about their potential bestie (or love of their life) before clicking on that match button? But unfortunately, dear reader, any follow-up questions about this stranger your friends supposedly know are doomed to be met with blank faces and the sheepish admission that they’ve had like one conversation with them during class. You’ll be happy to hear that the Datamatch Cupids have blessed you with the chance to meet a living, breathing person that sometimes wears blue. At least they aren’t a scooter person (you think)?

The Academic

Apparently the universe was listening when you gushed to your roommate about the butterflies you felt in your stomach when your not-really-that-attractive TF started ranting about Immanuel Kant: one of your matches is an intellectual (cue jazz hands…). My advice? Log into HOLLIS and check out more books than you’ve rented in your entire college career (i.e., two books); your date will expect you to study prior to your Berryline meet-up, and this quiz is not multiple-choice.

The Extraterrestrial

You’d think that the requirement for a college email address would ensure that everyone on Datamatch would be a verified student, but a quick glance at your matches’ profiles reveals that at least one person (entity??) on your Datamatch-assigned roster definitely does not exist. If there were actually people with hobbies as… interesting as your supposed match, you would know — their existence itself would probably cause the earth to split open. (If falling in love is meant to involve finding someone who gives you an existential crisis, I did not get the memo.) You’ve already written this profile off as an elaborate (and not effective) attempt at catfishing, so we’ll never know if they’re of this planet or not.

The Cheater

Eww, I know. When you told Datamatch that you were looking for love — how disgustingly vulnerable of you — you meant it, but clearly not everyone takes this matchmaking system based on fifteen not-at-all-serious questions as seriously as you do. Some of them are “looking for love” while already in a committed relationship (which you confirmed with five separate people after seeing them in your matches because you were a little tempted). While you wish you could send them a passionate ten-page monologue on the sanctity of Datamatch and the fact that signing up constitutes a solemn vow that you are emotionally available, you can’t. That would make you a hypocrite; the only thing you’re emotionally available for is your pset.

Your Ex-Situationship

Great, now your thirteen-step plan to convince them that you have moved on has been foiled. And Datamatch has the nerve to tell you that you’re (quasi) soulmates?? Crazy. Deplorable. Please move your thumb away from the match button before I have to stop you myself.

The Zoom Fanatic

Okay, this one is more on Datamatch than your match themselves. Why are Zoom dates still an option? The entire allure of Datamatch is the promise of free food, so why would you meet a match for free? I know myself really well, and I wouldn’t recommend getting to know me without some form of compensation involved.

Look, I know you might be shocked that we actually did manage to decode your Datamatch matches. But I wouldn’t worry about it too much. After all — let’s be real — you’re not going to meet any of your matches anyway.