How To: Saltburn Your Way Into A Relationship

Valentine’s Day is upon us, and things are looking pretty desperate for some (most) Harvard students. The dating pool (or should I say bathtub?) is shallow, and anything would be better than yet another lonely Valentine’s Day. You’re even thinking about texting that situationship to hang out. But wait! Don’t do it! A recent film gave a step-by-step set of instructions on how to make a relationship happen, and maybe more?

Step 1: Find Your Target

You know that cute athlete that you’ve had your eye on? Well, there is a very obvious way to Saltburn your way into their life: the infamous scooter.

While I don’t think a popped tire will suffice in giving them a problem, a detached wheel definitely will (you’re going to have to do some research on your own for the logistics). To prepare, memorize their daily routines. Where do they need to go? How do they get there? Spare no effort. Get all of the details. Once this is complete, it’s dismantling time. Then, it’s easy. All you have to do is happen upon them on your own electric scooter when they really have somewhere to be (that Ec10 lecture is unmissable!) and offer it to them oh-so-selflessly. Great! You’ve got your foot in the door!

Step 2: Allow Them to Show Their Gratitude

While this may not be grabbing cocktails at a bar or at a party (are there parties at Harvard?), I imagine they take some trips to Noch’s. Run into them while they’re waiting in line, talk with their friends, and offer to pay for a pizza. Oh no! You forgot your money? Never fret, Saltburn says your target has you covered. And, bonus, they might simultaneously pity and appreciate you enough to keep you around for a while.

Step 3: Who Do They Want You To Be?

This next step is crucial. You must lose all autonomy over your personality. It’s fairly simple. It’s comparable to when you switched up your personality every time you had a new TV/Youtube obsession (anyone else stop sleeping entirely after watching O.G. Emma Chamberlain?) and did a full 180 on your personality. Like that.

This step will also require some trial and error. You’ll need to interact with them a few times to figure out what they want from you. One hint: don’t criticize their cleanliness and blame it on their wealth. I don’t think anyone wants that.

Step 4: Lie. A Lot.

Here comes the hard part (or maybe the easy part if you’re actually taking this article seriously): maintaining the image you’ve worked so hard to develop. How do you do this? You lie. You have to force them into thinking they’d be an awful person for abandoning you… especially in the midst of a tragedy. Too many p-sets? No, a tough situation with your parents. How can they support you in this time of need? An offer to stay with them at their family mansion might not be that far-fetched with some of the big names on campus.

Just make sure that they have absolutely no access to any information regarding your true life. We have to learn from Ollie’s failures just as much as his successes.

Step 5: Karaoke?

At this point, maintain the façade and have fun! Take part in some slight manipulation of their friends! Make out with their siblings! Keep them on their toes! And make sure that you’re always prepped and ready for some spontaneous karaoke!

Relationships are hard, especially so when they’re based on your real true personality. You have so much less to lose if you just lie to people. So, stay strong, make your move, and refer to this manual when necessary.