Flyby’s (Imaginary) Internship Roundup

While you all are dreaming about getting that prized study abroad funding (due on Thursday, by the way!), we’re dreaming about summer internships that don’t exist yet. Let’s be honest: most internships kind of cater to our interests, but they don’t cover all the bases that we wish they would. So, in case any internship-providing companies read Flyby, we composed an imaginary list that we think Harvard students would absolutely eat up. The perfect internships for Harvard students, if you will. There’s something for every career goal in our little list…

Pre-Vet | Longitudinal Single-Cat Case Study

We know there are, like, five of you, but we haven’t forgotten about you! Gain some valuable veterinary experience by documenting the life of our favorite friendly cat. Follow Remy around from 6-12 a.m. every day (you can nap when he naps) and answer the questions the world is asking: What does he eat? Where does he sleep? Is his favorite spot really the Barker Center? You’ll get a “Nature” publication out of this one, guaranteed.

Pre-Mr. Krabs | Exploring the Harvard Endowment

Dreaming of getting rich? Take notes from the richest university in the world. This internship will give you an inside look at the Harvard endowment. First of all, where is it? Like, is it in a forbidden passageway in the Kirkland House basement? Is it all in GameStop stocks? Second of all, how does Harvard money get spent? How much of the budget do all those Science Center/Yard chairs take up? How much does it cost to make a batch of Red Spiced Chicken? All essential questions that you will get answered through this internship for anyone interested in finance!

Pre-Med | Medical Internship (Brutally Honest)

In this transformative experience, a few lucky pre-med students will be assistants for medical residents. You will get the privileges of a lifetime – doing all their paperwork (60 hours a week), letting attendings yell at you instead of the resident because residents deserve a break (60 hours a week), and assembling mountains of flashcards for their exams (60 hours a week). We know there aren’t 180 hours in a week. That’s why this is a transformative experience.

Pre-President | Literally Become President

Half the presidential battle is already won, because you go to Harvard. So, there’s not much going on in this internship. This internship has two parts. You will first be sent this poster, which you must study in order to become president. Seriously, every president since George Washington has definitely had this poster hanging in their dorm. You don’t memorize it inside and out, you don’t get the nuclear launch codes. Period. Second, you will become President Joe Biden’s dog walker. This internship will guarantee you a future spot as a leader of literally any country!

Pre-Charles Darwin | Discover a New Species!

In this exciting internship, you will get to discover a new species! Obviously, we can’t tell you where to look. It would ruin the fun! Try an undersea cave or the inside of a volcano or something. Go talk to biologists too; they probably know where fun new worms might be hiding. The pay is $300,000, and internship length ranges from one day to eternity.

Pre-Saul Goodman | Do You Have What It Takes?

You’ve heard the saying that “[insert any occupation] is born, not made.” So, future criminal lawyers, let’s find out if you were born for this. First, you will be assigned a crime to commit. Second, you will have to defend yourself in court. Under the mentorship of a Harvard Law School-trained lawyer of your choosing, you will learn the skills needed to be a criminal defense lawyer REALLY fast. It’s called on-the-job training. If you succeed, you will evade a potential jail sentence and (probably) gain automatic admission to HLS. If you fail… Well, apply for this internship at your own risk.

Pre-Tony Stark | In Loving Memory of Anthony Edward Stark

Literally build a fully functioning Iron Man suit. We’ll give you $300,000; just come back when you get the job done. You are allowed to take one or more gap years to finish this project. Completion will allow you to change your degree name to “B.S. in…” So you will graduate with a B.S. in Romance Languages, for example. If you are already getting a B.S. degree, you will get a B.S.^2 degree to show you are extra smart.

Those are all the nonexistent internships we could think of! But we hope this inspires you to stop procrastinating on your summer internship applications or maybe helps you create a transformative summer experience of your own. Happy essay writing!