Head of the Charles is Like a Zombie Apocalypse

In case you didn’t receive a million emails about it, let us remind you: this weekend is Head of the Charles. In other words, 200,000 people will descend upon the Charles River to watch a bunch of high schoolers and college students, and professionals row row row their boats. Chaos will reign and Satan will be nigh. And by Satan we mean a lot of Vineyard Vines shorts. The only way to prepare is to prepare for the worst. Here’s how to get ready for the zombie apocalypse: a.k.a. Head of the Charles.

Gather Provisions

If you think you will need anything other than dhall food this weekend, get it now: stores will be swamped. Nowhere is safe. Hordes of scarf-wearing blonde women and the skinniest teenagers you’ve ever seen will cram the aisles of all retail establishments, leaving you no choice but to fight until you’re begging for surrender. Pick up your prescription now, not later.

Figure Out Who You Can Trust

High schoolers and people from lamer colleges than ours will be trying to force their way into any party happening between Friday and Sunday. If you and more than one friend are hanging out, they’ll be banging down the doors, begging for drinks instead of brains. Don’t let them win! Keep gatherings ~intimate~ and/or ~guarded~.

Go on Group Raids

Brands like to give out free stuff during Head of the Charles. You can take advantage of this if you have a strategy and an escape plan. Get in and get out; don’t get distracted by the action or mowed down by the swarms of people. Only examine your spoils once back in the safety of your dorm.

Find High Ground

If you want to watch the regatta, it’ll be difficult to see anything from the banks of the river unless you get there first thing in the morning. Luckily, dorms with river views have a great vantage point. Find a friend and post up in their common room. But don’t let anyone see you! (See point 2.)

Don’t Try to Rationalize What’s Happening

It’s actually scientifically impossible to understand how a regatta works, so don’t try. “It’s just a race,” you say. To which we say, “did you know they all start at different times?” How many miles is it? How many people are in a boat? Why is coxswain pronounced like that? Trying to comprehend what’s happening wastes valuable energy you could be spending cowering in fear.

With these tips, you’ll be ready to survive the scariest weekend of the semester yet. But don’t get too comfortable: next weekend is Family Weekend…