How To: Walk Faster Through the Yard

The Harvard campus is bustling with tourists and students. It can be overwhelming, especially since some of them (somehow) never learned how to walk at a reasonable pace. Have you ever wanted to barrel through a gaggle of tourists or friends? Read this. Have you ever tried to teach someone to walk quickly? Send this to them. Are you the friend this article was sent to? Well, whatever the situation is, whether you found this and need some advice on how to walk or are in fact that one friend, please read on.

Grab your headphones

Need to get somewhere quickly, but don’t like to walk fast? Well, music can always fix that. Listen to some ’80s pop rock — specifically some underground artists like New Order (jk) or Modern Talking — or everyone’s favorite Dean Khurana playlist on full volume and you won’t even realize you did your usual 10-minute walk in five. Put on those headphones and get to class!

Remy the Cat is RIGHT there

The best part of walking through Harvard Yard is — you guessed it — a Remy sighting. But be careful —you don’t want to scare Harvard’s pride and joy away. Remy is so close, yet so far. How are you possibly going to reach him? Well, by walking a little bit faster of course! Don’t start running or else you’ll scare him away, but pick up the pace and you might reach him (and class) in time to get a good photo with the best pet on campus.

What’s that smell?

The sun has just gone down, it’s dark outside, the air is growing more frigid by the minute. You’re walking across Harvard Yard when you get a whiff of something absurd! It’s strong, sharp, and acidic. You immediately cover your nose to escape the vile scent. It isn’t until you’re reaching the edge of Harvard Yard that you realize the smell is following you… You peek behind your shoulder to get a good look at what it could possibly be when it comes into view: it’s tall, coppery, with a golden foot walking menacingly just a few paces behind you! You never know what could happen in the Yard. All the more reason to walk fast.

Look out, the Harvard rats have found their evening prey

Have you seen the little critters roaming around campus, ready to pounce on you at any second? Well if you want to walk faster, look out because they could be coming for you! They are always lurking behind buildings, behind doors, behind people… the faster you walk, the closer you are to safety. If they capture you before you reach your destination, you will never be safe for the rest of your Harvard life. Nothing! No one! Nowhere! Will ever be safe again!

The gaslight yourself method

Do you live in Pennypacker and want to get to Berg before the dhall closes? Are you Quadded and your class in CGIS started a minute ago? Did you just wake up and you don’t know where your class is because you haven't checked Canvas yet? Well, don’t worry because you can get there in five minutes! You can get anywhere in five minutes! You’re a Harvard student for goodness gracious! Don’t believe what google maps tells you — gaslighting yourself is much more effective.

Hopefully this article taught you how to walk faster and promote peace on the sidewalk. To all of you making the trek across Harvard’s campus, I wish you the best of luck on not getting carried away by waves of students and tour groups every time you leave your dorm.