Flyby Predicts: Who is the Yardfest Headliner?

The time has come: Yardfest is approaching, rumors are circulating, and the Monday morning hangover is already calling your name (why is Yardfest on a Sunday again?!). Who is performing? Do you know? Does anyone know? Does the College Events Board even know? Well, while CEB frantically begs someone, anyone to perform by next Sunday, we’ll provide our guarantees predictions on who it will may be.

The Soundcloud Rapper from My High School

My dad once told me: “expectations lead to disappointment.” In light of his wisdom, we will begin by setting the bar as low as it could go: SoundCloud, high school, and teenage boys. Believe it or not, MattyBars from good-ole’ Ellicott City, Maryland might just pop out. With his 3k listens on SoundCloud and dropout-level ambition, MattyBars has officially made it to the big (Ivy) leagues. Matty if you are reading this, I was your fourth listener on SoundCloud. Remember me forever.

Future

I would be remiss if I did not acknowledge CEB’s first clue: “🎭📅". The most convincing argument I have gathered thus far has been none other than Future himself. I mean come onnnn: Masks? Mask OFF?? July 17? A date that is in the FUTURE??? Now how about the second clue?: WALL-E? THE MOVIE THAT TAKES PLACE IN THE FUTURE??? This is very high-level thinking, I know. These guys forget we go to Harvard.

One Direction

Yes, you read that right. The One Direction reunion IS happening AND it’s happening right in front of my freshman dorm. Girls will be screaming, guys will be crying, and Rakesh Khurana will be getting a very blurry selfie with each and every one of them (yes, including Zayn). This is the time to find out what makes you beautiful. This is the transformative experience a Harvard education provides. This is what ecstasy feels like.

Okay. Now wake up. Apart from your dreams, this would only happen in your wattpad fanfictions. I’m talking to you, y/n.

The Weeknd

I am going to be honest and admit that this is ChatGPT’s guess and not mine. Here’s what it told me though!

Masks: The Weeknd is known for wearing masks at his concerts and performances.

July 17: The Weeknd’s debut album contains the lyric "July 17 will never be the same." (fact check: it does not.)

Wall-E (this one is actually crazy): “The Weeknd contributed a song titled "Earned It" to the soundtrack of the movie "Fifty Shades of Grey", which was directed by Sam Taylor-Johnson. Taylor-Johnson is married to Aaron Taylor-Johnson, who played the character of John in the movie "Nowhere Boy". The main character in "Nowhere Boy" is played by Thomas Brodie-Sangster, who also played the voice of the character of Ferb in the TV show "Phineas and Ferb". The voice of the character of WALL-E in the movie "WALL-E" was provided by Ben Burtt, who also provided the voice of Ferb's pet, Perry the Platypus, in "Phineas and Ferb". Therefore, the connection between "WALL-E" and The Weeknd is somewhat convoluted, but it can be traced back to his contribution to the "Fifty Shades of Grey" soundtrack.”

No Caller ID: I spent eight minutes arguing with AI for it to give me a viable relation between this clue and the Weeknd. Nothing. Literally nothing. If this is the future, I’m out. How could you possibly use this thing to write your EXPOS essays?

Taylor Swift

Call it optimism, call it delusion, I don’t care. Those two are synonymous anyway. BUT WHAT IF? What if Taylor Swift heard the cries of desperate Harvard students and wanted to atone for Ticketmaster’s crimes? What if she just loves the cold, damp mess that is Cambridge, Massachusetts? What if she wanted to add Remy to her cat collection? These are possibilities people. I will fully enter cardiac arrest if this happens. I am not joking. I will be sobbing to every song and meditating on this experience for the rest of my existence. No, I cannot remember a single formula from Ec 10B, but I will be able to recite every single syllable of the 10-minute All Too Well.

Please be aware that these are not predictions, but pure fact. If the headliner is not one of these artists, it’s because it WAS, and the College Events Board read THIS article, and CHANGED it. If all goes well, I’ll see you and MattyBars at Yardfest! <3