Types of Harvard Students by Screen Time Breakdown

Have you ever heard someone say that what unites us is stronger than what divides us? Leave that energy at the door because instead we are categorizing and then judging Harvard students by their screen time breakdowns!

Exhibit A: The Panicked STEM Major

Exhibit A. By Tina Chen

8h: Goodnotes

2h: FaceTime

30m: Google

30m: ChatGPT

1h: Hinge

The Panicked STEM Major uses Goodnotes (or Notability) for lecture notes, psets and any other studying/notes, so they end up having spent the entire day on one app. I guess the $7 they spent on the app was worthwhile. The Panicked STEM Major also spends at least two hours on FaceTime, either crying to someone or frantically finishing up a pset with a friend. They spend some time Googling and ChatGPTing, too — mostly trying to ask Google and ChatGPT for answers to their problem sets only to find that the words and numbers are so long and convoluted that even AI can’t save them now. When the psets and midterms occasionally quiet down, the Panicked STEM Major realizes that they might not want to be alone forever, so they answer all the fun Hinge questions only to ignore all their Hinge messages. Panicked STEM Majors, after all, just downloaded Hinge for the delusion fuel.

Exhibit B: The Future Gen Ed Professor

Exhibit B. By Tina Chen

1h: Libby

2h: X or Twitter or Whatever

30m: Duolingo

2h: Uber Eats

2h: Messages

The Future Gen Ed Professor actually reads books for fun. Somehow, the joy of reading has not been forcefully sucked from their bodies by the 900 pages of weird philosophical thought experiments they had to read for class, or whatever humanities majors do at school. They spend a few hours scrolling through the Former Bird App, and their feed is probably full of poetry bots that spit out pretty book quotes every few hours. The Future Gen Ed Professor has great fear and reverence for the great and mighty Duolingo Owl and makes sure to do their daily rituals — sorry, lessons. They spend lots of time choosing their meals through Uber Eats, because you will never catch a Future Gen Ed Professor in a Harvard dining hall. They also have several close friends to regularly communicate with, hence the two hours in Messages. Perhaps they even have a “group chat,” or whatever people do with several close friends. Not that Exhibit A would know.

Exhibit C: The Chill STEM Major

Exhibit C. By Tina Chen

4h: Zoom

15m: TransLoc

3h: TikTok

2h: WhatsApp

1h: Goodnotes

The Chill STEM Major does not need to cry or panic or scream about their classes. They simply go to every single office hours available and end up with straight As, leaving all their classmates baffled and extremely jealous. Most of their instructors have in-person office hours, but for the ones that don’t, the Chill STEM Major spends four hours on Zoom. The rest of the Chill STEM Major’s time is spent aggressively pipetting in the lab, which always begins with opening the TransLoc app and wondering why the M2 shuttle is late yet again. The Chill STEM Major is up to date on all the latest TikTok trends and distributes the TikToks to all their friends through WhatsApp, because for some reason their friends exclusively use WhatsApp. The Chill STEM major only needs one hour on Goodnotes and their notes are just illegible chicken scratch meant to keep them awake in lecture. They just go to lecture for the attendance points, and they could honestly teach the class.

Exhibit D: The Finance Kid

Exhibit D. By Tina Chen

5h: Stocks app

1h: Crypto.com

2h: Sidechat

1h: Snapchat

1h: Safari

I am not sure what Finance Kids do, but I once was in the HSA building elevator and heard two guys discussing how they regretted not investing in the S and Pee 500. So, I assume the Finance Kid spends several hours looking at Stonks. The Finance Kid also spends time on Crypto.com doing secretive crypto things. I presume the Finance Kid also spends lots of time on Sidechat to read all the deeply-thought out roasts of Finance Kids. I must also point out that 100 percent of Snapchat users in the Harvard Square area belong to Exhibit D. Finance Kids can always be seen doing the New York Times crossword puzzles in their lectures, because they enjoy channeling their inner grandparents.

Note: If you feel that you don’t identify with any of these categories, it means you belong in Exhibit E: The Normal, Well-Adjusted Adult. Congratulations.

(Or, you’re Exhibit F: The Addicted to Instagram Reels.)