Four Things I Would Rather Touch than John Harvard’s Shoe

We’ve all been there. It’s 9:02 a.m. You’re sprinting through the Yard to class, hoping to still beat the athlete who’s locking up their scooter. Then, you see it: a group of tourists posing for the cliche-yet-tasteful “Touching of John Harvard’s Shoe.” Forgetting about the hot section kid you’re trying to impress, you are forced to stop and shudder. While the visitors’ eyes light up as they touch the bronze beauty, you can only recall the ~other things~ you’ve heard about taking place there *shudders*.

Here, Flyby breaks down four things we would rather touch than JoJo’s tainted toe:

#4: 2 a.m. Jefe’s Toilet

While standing in line to use Jefe’s toilet can feel like a nightmare, we can be comforted knowing that just that morning, Jefe’s’ crew was hard at work cleaning this majestic throne. On the other hand, the closest J-Harv gets to sanitation is his glistening “morning dew” following a Harvard student’s night out.

#3: The Water Bottle You Haven’t Washed Since You Got Here

Just wash it. Please, just wash it. And, despite popular opinion: No, the dhall’s Powerade-water synthesis does not count as soap. Alas, since we know you won’t, we will put your Hydroflask’s microbiome at #3.

#2: A Canaday Carpet

For you STEM girlies, what do 48 years multiplied by 250 first-years multiplied by an average of 3 stains per student produce? An amalgamation of stenches and smears that still remain less disturbing than Good ol’ Johnny’s boot.

#1: Patient 0 of the Frat Flu

You know who you are. Your hacking coughs and sniffling nose invoked a SideChat mask debate and caused every student to Google, “Did I pay the Harvard Student Health fee?” Yet, compared to John, we would still rather hug you (consensually, of course).

Honorable Mentions:

The Memorial Church Rats

The Floor of Sigma Chi

We understand that tourists’ traditions are rooted in Harvard Yard, but dear God, we hope you have alcohol-based hand sanitizer. And to the next Harvard daredevil looking for a story, perhaps just pass JH by at 3 a.m instead.