Whatever You Do, Don’t Go To The Barker Cafe!!

You may have heard that the Barker Cafe recently reopened for the first time since the pandemic started. So, you may be tempted to go. But I’m here to warn you — do not, under any circumstances, visit the Barker Center’s picturesque, sun-dappled, caffeine-oriented rotunda. If for some reason you won’t take my word for it, I’ve compiled a list of reasons why you should avoid the Barker Cafe at all costs.

The Drinks Are Too Delicious

Coffee can be addictive, which is why it’s good that it tastes so (pardon my French) yucky. But for some reason, the masterminds behind the Barker Cafe have found a way to make their espresso deliciously smooth. This is catastrophic for the stellar young minds of Harvard College, which, as we all know, are not yet addicted to the fatal siren-song of caffeine. Save yourself!

The Space Is Too Beautiful

If you think you’ll get work done in the Barker Cafe, you couldn’t be more wrong. You’ll be too busy enjoying the space to think about, I don’t know, economics or whatever. You can’t think when you’re surrounded by windows — that’s a fact.

The Baristas Are Too Cool

Baristas are always overly cool, but the ones at the Barker Cafe are even more intimidating than the average barista because they’re also Harvard students. Imagine messing up your order and then seeing that person in your class later. Scary! Flyby can definitely confirm this because one of our writers is a barista there too, proof enough that the Barker Cafe is too cool for the average plebeian.

It’s Too Expensive

You can’t afford to spend so much money on coffee! You — wait. I’m getting word that you can use BoardPlus there. Shoot. Shoot shoot shoot.

Humanities Students Gatekeep It (but not me though)

Okay, I totally promise that this isn’t why I wrote this article. That would be absurd and a waste of my time. But all those other artsy students definitely will shun you if you didn’t take Hum10. You’ll be a coffee pariah. Best to stay away. I definitely will. Definitely.

Okay, fine. If you’re so determined to visit the Barker Cafe, do it. But if the line is long, don’t blame me. I tried my best here.