Flyby Gaslights: The Cold is All in Your Head

So. You’re bummed because you bought a cute summer outfit in August and never got to wear it. Well, what are you upset about? Put it on, and bust out your shades and sandals while you’re at it, because Flyby’s about to teach you the truth about the cold weather: you can literally just ignore it. Here’s our guide to how.*

Remember: Cuffing season is a conspiracy

As we all know, cuffing season was invented by the overlords. They want to convince us that we’re feeling sad and cold emotionally as a ruse to make us feel sad and cold physically. You think you want a real relationship? Please. What next? You want hot soup and a blanket? Chin up and jackets off, girlboss! Keep flaking on your section kid who won’t stop asking to grab a meal with you. It sounds contradictory, but old hearts create warmth.

Don’t give into the temptations of hot drinks

If you start ordering hot coffee, you’re admitting that you’re feeling cold and want to warm up. That means you let the cold win! Get up, soldier — keep ordering those iced vanilla lattes at Buckminster’s and assert your dominance over nature. You’re. Not. Cold.

Never put away your summer clothes

“Summer clothes,” “winter clothes,” what do they all have in common? If you’re thinking “helpful suggestions to maintain homeostasis,” you’re actually wrong. They’re social constructs. What’s the worst that could happen if you wear shorts in subfreezing temperatures besides normies judging you? Nothing (or at least, nothing you’ll be able to feel)! If you put away your summer clothes, you’ll accept that the cold is here to stay. In other words, you concede defeat!

Weather warnings are just warnings!

Wind chill warnings, winter weather warnings, they’re all just that: warnings. If they were mandatory, they would be called orders. I mean, put on your coat and gloves if you want, but I’m just saying — this ain’t lecture attendance. Missing three of these will not drop your score by one letter grade.

Learn from the greats

What do “Thriller” and “All I Want For Christmas Is You” have in common? Neither song ever says the word “cold” — at least, not in the context of the weather! If MJ and Mariah weren’t cold, why should you be cold?

You should be feeling warmer already! Congratulations on successfully seeing through society’s lies. We hope the joy of this discovery keeps your heart as warm as the rest of your body. <3

*Disclaimer: If you take our advice, Flyby Blog cannot take responsibility for any of the often overwhelming side effects of enlightenment. These side effects may include sniffling, coughing, a runny nose, chills, your skin sprouting new and interesting colors, and a field trip to Mt. Auburn Hospital.