Harvard WiFi Only Had One Job and Yet...

Dear Harvard Internet or Whatever Acronym You Call Yourself,

As I sit in Widener for the first time desperately hacking into my Crimson email, I can’t help but think that there could not be a nicer place for me to cry about my connectivity issues. In fact, you having connectivity issues is super helpful to me. As a sophomore who spent her entire last year taking classes online and has forgotten how to make meaningful social connections, it’s nice that you, too, have connection problems.

But there’s one thing that’s bothering me.

You know how I had to take classes and apply for internships and try to keep my sanity intact all last year and this year? Yeah, you my friend, only have one job.

So why don’t we go through why you suck.

Spotty data = LDR problems

I have multiple friends who live far away in the land known as the Radcliffe Quadrangle, so I need an internet connection to be able to communicate with them. Yesterday, I let my friend in Currier know that I was about to visit her as we had planned. I texted her at about 7:36 p.m., yet you took two hours to send the message to her. The entire time I was sitting around, wondering why she was not responding. Because of you, I became upset, nervous, and believed that she no longer wanted anything to do with me.

Also, commuting to the Quad is quite an ordeal. You know why? Because we need an internet connection to call for the evening van. Without the internet, I am left without options. It’s not like I can hail a cab, and it’s way too far to walk back to my cushy River House. So thanks to you, Harvard students are having a harder time connecting. I think we deserve better after a year online.

I cannot procrastinate in lecture

As someone who has no time management skills, I feel attacked that you would randomly stop working in the middle of lecture. During lecture, I like to do homework for other classes, play random games, message my friends that I somehow never find the time to meet up with, and basically do anything except pay attention to the lecture.

Of course, you had to ruin that for me as well. I had nothing left to do in lecture but fall asleep. How am I supposed to pretend that I am taking notes on my laptop if there is no internet and I fall asleep due to boredom? Because of you, I will be even more stretched for time. So if I fail all of my courses this semester, I know who to sue.

My meetings are useless

So you know how Harvard students like to have their silly little meetings about their silly little extracurricular activities and their silly little conferences and silly little consulting groups? Well, I had a club meeting yesterday, and there we were trying to take notes and edit Google Documents about our upcoming conference.

You know what the problem was? You weren’t working.

As we stammered awkwardly trying to come up with a solution and briefly wondered whose hotspot was showing up in the available wifi options (it turned out to be a poor girl who left our private dining room as soon as she heard us acting weird), the notes apps on our computers were finally put to good use.

The reason I am complaining? I had to go back to my House, wait for the internet to come back, and redo all of my updates. So you wasted my time, not unlike most of the men I’ve talked to. Thanks, but no thanks.

B.o.B. is going to be disappointed

International rap sensation B.o.B. is coming to Harvard on Friday. This should be good news, right? We can all ascend during “Airplanes” and dance as awkwardly as that guy from Weezer during “Magic.” However, there is a big issue that we may run into.

First of all, as B.o.B. lets us so eloquently know in “Nothin’ On You,” he likes it when a woman does her taxes. Ergo, he might want to do his taxes while here performing, nevermind that it will be the beginning of September and he probably has someone else file for him, but still, the possibility exists. If he decides to do that, he will be terribly disappointed by the lack of internet connection, and it will be all your fault.

On the other hand, if a Harvard lady decides that she might like a guy like B.o.B. to notice her (Author’s note: He is a flat earther, you can do better), she will not be able to do her taxes, thus not being able to impress him. So, it will be your fault if their love story gets ruined.

While some changes at Harvard this year are wonderful (such as Oatly being replaced by Planet Oat), the fact that you are unable to handle everyone being back on campus, especially since classes are not online anymore, is very sad. Please do better :(

Sincerely,

Matylda A. Urbaniak