Shitty Date Ideas for Your Shitty Harvard Love Life

It’s a truth universally acknowledged that a Harvard student in possession of a single hour of free time must be in want of a confusing situationship. If you’re such a student looking for some ways to add a little spice to the garbage pit of your love life, seek no further — our curated list of activities is sure to make whatever the hell you have going on worse (somehow).

Picnic in the Pit<3

You know that random archaeological dig site in the Yard? Well, nothing says love like hopping over a low wire fence and sitting in a dirt pit together. Throw on some socks and sandals, grab a to-go cup of clam chowder from the dhall, and embrace the most disgusting date of your life while tourists and Yard security look on in horror. It’s sure to be a horrible time, but, hey, if you both get dirty and happen to need to shower at the same time...

Enjoy That Sweet FlyBy Chili Together

Are you a premed with seven free minutes seeking a hot date with your long-suffering engineering beau who essentially lives in the SEC complex? FlyBy (not us, the thing under Annenberg / in the SEC complex) may be just what you need to keep the romance alive. Spend 90 percent of your time together standing in line, and then speed-sip some chili beneath everyone’s favorite freshman dining hall as ambient noise drowns out any attempt at conversation.

Have a loud DTR talk in Loker Reading Room

Haven’t felt uncomfortably visible in a while? Let’s fix that. Hash out all your miscommunications with your paramour in the most intimidating study space of all time: Loker Reading Room. Distract future doctors with all the messy details of your relationship. Worst case, you’ll become the subject of some blocking group’s dinner… And if all goes well, the stacks are right there ;)

Scooter Race on Mass Ave

First one to get hit by a bicyclist has to buy dinner.

Fight a Turkey

There you are, on a romantic stroll through the Yard, when you spot them. The turkeys. Wandering in a pack. Looking menacing, as always. Now’s the time to earn your partner’s undying respect through hand-to-hand (hand-to-wing?) combat. You’re basically their knight in shining armor!

Campus Bathrooms Tour

It’s like a wine-tasting tour, but decidedly less sexy. This is definitely a choose-your-own-adventure date, but we suggest beginning with the terrifyingly ancient wooden toilet in the top floor of the Peabody Museum and ending with the restrooms in the basement level of the Science Center. Nothing says romance like the sweet smells of every tourist in sight using the same bathroom as you.

CVS

Just trust us. Wander the fluorescently lit liminal space of Harvard’s only convenience store until you both lose all grip on reality in the snack aisle.

Wishing you good health and emotional instability,

PAJ & RLR