20 Slightly Menacing Harvard-Themed Threats

Has anyone ever skipped you in the dhall line? Do your neighbors play obnoxiously loud music at 2 a.m. every night? If so, here is a list of vaguely mean things you can tell them without feeling (completely) morally compromised.

1. “I hope a turkey chases you off campus.”

2. “I hope you grab a fork from the dhall and it has a little bit of food stuck on it.”

3. “I hope there's a fire drill in the middle of your shower AND you’ve already lathered.”

4. “I hope you never get featured on Dean Khurana’s Instagram.”

5. “I hope you try to scan into your dorm building but your ID doesn’t work so you have to try for five minutes until you can finally enter.”

6. “I hope you lose your dorm key over the weekend so you have to wait until a weekday to get another key.”

7. “I hope you’re in the Widener reading room and you don’t plug in your earbuds properly so your music plays out loud.”

8. “I hope only one piece of dessert is left but there are no small plates near the dessert so in the time it takes for you to go get a plate, the dessert is all gone.”

9. “I hope you fill your water bottle without checking the filter status and you check after and it’s red (and you don’t have the Brita filter water bottle)”

10. “I hope you request to follow a private Harvard-affiliated Instagram account but they don’t accept your follow request even though you have Harvard in your bio.”

11. “I hope you make eye contact with someone as they piss on the John Harvard statue.”

12. “I hope you buy a lot of snacks that you’re really excited about only to wake up the next morning and find that the rats have gotten to them first.”

13. “I hope the T takes a really long time to come and you realize that it would have taken less time to just walk to your destination but you already paid the fare so you can’t just leave and are forced to wait instead.”

14. “I hope you go to the Math Question Center because you’re really struggling on a p-set but the entire room is completely full and there are no places to sit so you’re forced to sit in the hallway outside the room.”

15. “I hope a tourist stops you in the middle of campus to ask for directions but you don’t know where it is so you just shrug and they judge you.”

16. “I hope you’re on your way to pick up your laundry from the dryer but you see someone taking your clothes out and putting them on the floor.”

17. “I hope you post a Harvard-specific TikTok thinking it’ll go viral but then it doesn’t.”

18. “I hope you have to take a midterm in one of the Science Center lecture halls on one of those really small desks and you get an especially flimsy one so whenever you erase your mistakes (which you make a lot of) the desk creaks and makes a horrible sound so everyone looks at you.”

19. “I hope you go to The Coop to buy some merch and you try to use a coupon or your student discount but the cashier doesn’t hear you properly and you pay full price.”

20. “I hope you get an email from the Harvard University Undergraduate Honor Council and you get really nervous because you think you accidentally plagiarized and you’re going to be expelled but it’s actually just a reminder not to cheat.”