Harvard Bachelorette: Rose Ceremony

Whoop whoop! Grab your Oreos and Trader Joe’s Takis because it’s 8 p.m. on Tuesday night a.k.a the best hour of your life a.k.a Bachelorette time! And nothing is better than The Bachelorette ...except maybe The Bachelorette: Harvard Edition. Here’s everything around campus getting a rose tonight!

Rose: The SciCenter’s Hidden Gem

The first rose goes to Buckminster’s Cafe! It’s such a shame that it’s tucked away in the back of the Science Center because Buckminster’s absolutely steals the show. The chai latte is heaven, the baked goods are scrumptious, and they accept BoardPlus. What’s not to love? I know Buckminster’s Cafe is here for the right reasons, so let’s just skip the rose ceremony now and get straight to the wedding. Forget about the night trip to MQC. Close the endless Canvas tabs. Take a helicopter to the Bahamas. It’s time to tie the knot.

Rose: Late Night HUDS Heroes

Brain break HUDS workers receive my next rose. They are gems, working hard and late into the night. They deserve more recognition and appreciation for all that they do for us. They care for us and keep us fed when we’re working on our seventh pset of the day, so make sure to appreciate them the next time you see them. Plus, they might give you the last bit of apple pie leftover from dinner (unless the rats get to it first).

Rose: The Coziest Chairs on Campus

Widener looks grand on the outside, but it’s more than just that! Have you sat in the green-reading chairs in the reading room? They receive my rose 100%. After sitting in cramped lecture hall chairs and passing out on the hardwood floors of your dorm while working on your 1000th essay of the day, your tush will relish in the plushy cotton depths of the reading chairs. I don’t blame you if you sleep your whole day away in these incredible chairs. In fact, just don’t pay for your room in your term bill and live in the chairs. It’ll save you $3000 a semester.

Of course, what’s Bachelorette without the losers? There’s more than a few things that I would send away from campus forever in a limo, but I’ll narrow it down to just three:

Yeet: Crappy Yard Lamps

Goodbye lamps in the Yard. They either don’t light up at all or have the strength of my night light from 3rd grade. This lack of light is not great for when it’s pitch black at 4 p.m. in the winter. I’ve gotten way too close to bumping into trees and people. It’s time to scrap all the lamps now and start anew – brand new, high-quality lights! Maybe they’ll make their debut in the Harvard edition of Bachelor in Paradise.

Yeet: Less-Than-Functional Dryers

The lamps are pretty bad, but so are the dryers. Sorry, dryers, but you don’t get my rose. You have one job... to dry clothes, but somehow you manage to spin around and around and make my clothes wetter. And the extra nineteen minutes of drying time? Doesn’t work. There’s no hope for anyone. Just start pinning up your clothes in your dorm now, preferably over the roasting hot heaters (what else are heaters for if not to dry your clothes?).

Yeet: Writing Utensils

I wish that paper and pencils would give me the old school feel of doing worksheets and homework in high school, but they just give me hand cramps. And don’t get me started on the eraser shavings pile when you start doing math. If you’re not erasing all of your work at least ten times and starting over from scratch, then you’re not doing math right. It’s time to part ways, paper and pencil. Farewell...I won’t miss you (And think about all the trees I’m saving!).

Alas, I have no such power over campus, so I’ll have to settle for watching Michelle find true love. This season is just getting started, and it is the MOST DRAMATIC one yet... That is, until next season!