How to: Have a Spicy Virtual Visitas

You used to have to worry about Recinditas, but no one can see what you do when the Zoom cameras are off. This guide will help you spice up Virtual Visitas the way quarantine permits — so here’s to a not-so-traditional transformative experience.

Sleeping in a Dorm

It’s a shame you won’t have the pleasure of cozying up with an eager-to-impress freshman host, telling bedtime stories and sharing your deepest darkest secrets. Fret not! Find your old sleeping bag, put on your least bedraggled pajamas, and locate a nice, empty spot on the linoleum floor – it’ll simulate the exact feeling of sleeping in a Canaday double!

What’s the Move?

No more Advo, no more Owl. How oh how will you become a social butterfly! Look no further. You can rehearse looking for moves the true Harvard way. First, put on your most aggressively casual yet subtly suggestive outfit. Now, enter the first room in your house and glance about. Sit down effortlessly on a couch corner. Shake your parents’ hands, introduce yourself. Leave after no less than five but no more than ten minutes, when things “aren’t up to your standards.” Alternatively, you might claim you “just don’t vibe” or “need to get ‘nochs.” Repeat with every subsequent room in the house.

Sneaking Into Your Host’s Suite

Sh! Can’t wake your former-BFF host when you come back from your late-night escapades with tried and true new friends. Practice your evasion strategies by sneaking in and out of your house as many times as you can, until your mom notices and asks why you’re being an idiot. Pro tip: If you find this too easy, try wearing bells, carrying a heavy, oblong suitcase, or getting your siblings to act as fake “friends” to up the ante.

Getting Caught by a Proctor

Sure, you may not have the joy of being called out by a 20-something proctor for being ~under the influence~. It’s true you might never face the real threat of being rescinded for illicit substance use. But, that need not stop you. To mimic this experience, walk out of your front door, stand on the porch, and say loudly “I am not wearing appropriate PPE!” The ire of your neighbors and the threat of violence (perhaps even cruel words? sassy looks?) will serve in lieu of a proctor’s scowling glare.

Make a Drinking Game out of Virtual Visitas

What Dean Khurana doesn’t know won’t hurt him, and taking a shot every time he says “transformational” is a trite-but-surefire free space on your bingo card. A sip of wine for each time someone says “comp”? Power hour through the acapella jam? Don’t let the bingo card hold you back — options are abundant, and you owe it to the College to demonstrate you are a “creative thinker” in all facets of your college experience.

Meeting New “Peers”

There might not be a perfect substitute for running into fellow fresh-faced first years in the Science Center Plaza, but we’ve got the next best thing — just follow these simple steps. Open the Harvard 2024 Facebook page, select “Members,” close your eyes, and count to 17, all the while scrolling through the names. When you get to zero, open your eyes and see whose name you’ve landed on. Then immediately add them as a friend and send a long, carefully worded text on Messenger to introduce yourself and all of the extracurriculars you did in high school (p.s., don't forget to include your SAT score!). Remember, these friendships last a lifetime!

Waste not, want not, they say. With a little creativity, you can be certain that your homebound Visitas is well worth the time — and, dare I say, even more spicy than the real thing.