Elevator Pet Peeves

It’s that kind of day. You’re rushing into the doors of Sever or squishing yourself into the same revolving door at the Science Center. Even with the gift of Harvard Time, you’re running late, and your class is on the fourth floor. You could take the stairs, but leg day isn’t scheduled for another three weeks.

That leaves the elevator, a marvelous contraption—save for the unbearable types of people in them. Elevators may save you time (and fatigue), but are they worth the awkward interactions stretched out over agonizing seconds? To settle this dilemma, we have gathered some elevator pet peeves that just may convince you to take the stairs from now on.

Overcrowders

If your TF is the type to drag out the end of class and keep you in two minutes over, good luck trying to squeeze into the elevator. Even if you somehow defy the laws of physics and compact yourself in, you’ll spend the next few minutes contorted against people’s stomachs, backs, and butts, making for an uncomfortable experience for everyone.

Mouthbreathers

These lovely humans are the icing on top of the sardine cake. The only thing possibly worse than squishing against a stranger is having another stranger squish against you and audibly breathe down your neck or face. Better pray they didn’t have tuna for lunch.

Twenty-way Callers

Were you expecting a peaceful, quiet trip to the first floor, immersed in only your thoughts? Please, these are self-absorbed Harvard students we’re talking about. Expect to be roped into the angry rant of the girl on her phone next to you, or an intimidating business call from Mr. Goldman Sachs. You’ll reach your destination, but you’ll emerge from the elevator with a disconcerting amount of personal information you never asked for.

Button Mashers

If you've ever actually encountered one of these, I’m truly sorry. Do you want to talk about it?

Malfunctions

Imagine rising from your seat in Cabot Library at 4 a.m., eyes bleary, soul absent. By then, you’re too drained to even attempt to take the stairs to turn in your pset, so you opt for the elevator. You’re relishing the peace of an empty elevator...until it shudders to a stop somewhere between the third and fourth floor. As someone who has personally experienced this scenario, it’s not fun.

Awkward Encounters

The silent interactions between you and the only other person in the elevator are a true testament to human connection. You can try your hardest to avoid eye contact, you can grimace that ~stranger to stranger smile~, or you can force out small talk, but the palpable awkwardness will still sit in the air. No getting around this one; it's simply a race to see who can exit the elevator—and the awkward encounter—first.

So what’s more appealing? Awkward eye contact and invasions of personal space, or 30 seconds of physical strain? You know the answer.