Questions Datamatch Should Add to Its Survey

By Lydia L. Cawley

It’s Datamatch szn, folks. People are trying to find true love (but really free food) by taking an online survey. The questions are quirky each year, but here are a few we think are missing.

Who are you voting for UC?

Let’s face it—UC elections are characterized by consistently low turnout. If the UC is going to change that, they’ve gotta do something big. They didn't need to create a new voting system; they could just ask us to vote at the end of the Datamatch survey, which more than 75% of Harvard undergrads sign up for. Turnout stats would skyrocket (though Quincy would probably manage to still have no one vote), and matching people with opposite stances on final clubs would definitely make for interesting evenings.

Do you like the Patriots?

First off, suck it. Secondly, let’s let all the Patriots fan stick together and not infect the rest of us. They’ll have Patriot-cest and make kids with that “gAWd-AWful” Boston accent while the rest of us live normal, non-Superbowl-losing lives.

Do you want a sugar daddy?

Datamatch is so popular that its purpose should be expanded. Some of us (myself included) NEED this in our lives. How else are we going to afford Blue Bottle Coffee?

Have you ever had sex in the stacks?

Datamatch could be your chance! Match people who haven’t done the deed yet and give them directions to the bowels of Widener and a blanket—that tile floor is cold.

Are you taking more than four classes?

If so, then you’re a masochist and should probably be paired with other masochists.

Are you taking more than five classes?

If you answer anything but “I’d rather go to Yale,” then I’m gonna need you to please stay away from me.