The Ones That Got Away: Presidential Candidates

Okay, so he might only keep the job for ten days instead of ten years... By Wikimedia Commons

In case you missed it, Harvard finally picked its 29th President. Although we’re certain we’ll love Larry, we’re disappointed that the search committee overlooked some really remarkable candidates.

Scaramucci, “The Mooch”

No one has displayed as much Crimson pride as Anthony “I went to Harvard Law School” Scaramucci during his brief stint in the White House. Seriously, the man was communications director for ten days. That’s about 1.78 H-bombs per hour.

John from Annenberg

This man literally knows every Harvard undergraduate’s name, and probably some grad students as well. Straight out of the book on leadership: Know your audience. He already knows how to handle the limelight (read: the dim illumination of the Berg).

Any former Punchmaster

It’s really hard work to judge that many people in such a short amount of time. They exemplify efficiency, attention to detail (“Upper East or Upper West?”), and the importance of having high standards. Everyone loves a lower admissions rate, and no one knows exclusivity better than a punchmaster.

The Spirit of Karl Marx

To ensure that Harvard becomes the epitome of a safe space for all us special snowflakes, we need the left of the left of the left to save us. Who better than the Father of Communism himself? Our school color is Crimson, why not go completely Red?

A Literal Pile of Money

We all know they’re only looking for someone to up that endowment, so why not just cut out the middleman?

Again, no shade to Larry, but it might be worthwhile for him to reach out and ask for some tips from these folks.