How to Field Harvard Questions at the Thanksgiving Dinner Table

As excited as you undoubtedly are to consume your body weight in turkey, stuffing, and mashed potatoes, a part of you can’t help but dread the brutal questions that you will have to endure from all of your relatives at the dinner table. Here is Flyby’s guide to figuring out just how to skirt those unwanted conversations.

The classic “Do you have a significant other?”

If you’re cuffed, then good for you. You can suffer the shame of your relatives liking your significant other more than you, while the rest of us have to settle for answering with, “While many suitors have requested the pleasure of my time, I feel as if I would be doing my parents a great injustice if I were to utilize my precious years at Harvard engaging in dalliances when my time could be better employed embracing self-growth and the pursuit of intellectual knowledge.”

The dreadful “How are your classes?”

Rather than attempt to explain just how Greek Hero supplements your concentration or increases your mental capacity in any way, choose one class that you wrote a relatively decent paper for, memorize that paper, and proceed to recite it as a way to showcase your overall cognitively-intensive course load. Pro tip: only refer to your classes as the course catalogue number and not the course title. SLS12 sounds so much more intellectual than “Understanding Darwinism.”

The appalling “How are your Harvard classmates?”

If you thought being compared to your high school best friend was hard, try being compared to child prodigies, Broadway stars, and worst of all, National Rubik’s Cube champions. Field this question with, “My classmates at Harvard are a valuable resource and we each have much to offer one another.” If this does not satisfy the crowd, toss in the fact that you walked past some minor celebrity the other day, and let them “ooh” and “ahh” over that. That should keep the sharks at bay for a while at least.

The ghastly “What are you doing after college?”

Ease their financial concerns by telling them with an air of confidence, “I have something lined up.” If they call you out on your BS, tell them that you have an important meeting to finalize plans, but you’ll keep them updated. Then, flee the country.

And if all else fails, activate your grandmother as a shield by telling her woeful tales of HUDS food until she fends off all questions from your relentless relatives and lets you stuff your face in peace.