HUHS Tries to Buy Back Student Trust With Free Ice Cream

In light of the ongoing chaos enveloping a campus slowly ravaged by mumps, the optimistic young Flyby survivors of the latest great epidemic are pleased to bring some good news to these disease-ridden lands. There is, indeed, a light at the end of the tunnel of your battle to remain healthy or not spread the disease to too many people at the party you’re planning to attend this weekend. The saving grace: free ice cream.

In exchange for a 20-minute survey concerning health and mental health on campus, Harvard University Health Services is offering $5 J.P. Licks gift cards. Think about this opportunity, people. When the mumps set in and your jaw starts aching and you develop an unbearable earache, you can now take comfort in the fact that someday, when you’re able to swallow again, you’ll be able to enjoy ice cream paid for by the one and only HUHS (that is, unless you’re one of the tens of students who probably fill out the survey yet never claim his/her prize).

Pickup is a little tricky - you have to leave your dorm room and travel one floor up on UHS, and then talk with a real human being in order to retrieve the card. Sorry CS50 alums, this one requires human contact. But it’s well worth the free ice cream! And anyway, the survey doesn’t require any open-ended responses. So just be prepared to admit that you’re a virgin with a drinking problem and you’re well on your way to claiming your free ice cream. What are you waiting for, Harvard? Throw your trust back into HUHS after failing the student body on mumps, and just hope the free ice cream doesn’t come with free food poisoning.