Love It or Hate It: Flavored Water Dispensers

Love It: "HUDS is Now Sort Of, Almost Classy" by Hyemi Park

Let’s talk business—the new flavored water machines in the d-halls are the best things to have happened to HUDS since its website redesign (we at Flyby are very invested in all things HUDS if you couldn’t tell).

Maybe you didn’t even notice the machine. Maybe you are a die-hard Powerade drinker (ew) and couldn’t care less. Maybe you’re thinking it’s “just” water. If so, you need to ditch your unenthusiastic outlook on life because this is exciting.

First off, these flavored water machines are particularly life-changing to people like me, who simultaneously hate water and feel guilty about not drinking enough of it. I’ve convinced myself that downing iced coffee is sufficient for my daily water intake if I wait long enough for the ice cubes to melt. This new addition is great because I can feel like I’m drinking something that isn’t water (read: tastes good!) but is actually good for me. Some of the flavors are also apparently enhanced with vitamins, which is amazing because the last time I actively took a vitamin supplement was in middle school circa the era of gummy bear vitamins.

Another plus is that you can probably incorporate them into your next low-budget pregame. You just invested all of your life savings into cheap handles that taste like rubbing alcohol, why would you want to go broke buying mixers at CVS? Try mixing your next shot of good old Rubinoff with the cucumber flavor, a dash of Ginger Ale, and ice for a poor man’s Moscow Mule. Or maybe try some rum with the sparkling raspberry flavor—yum! Just call these drinks cocktails and congrats, you’re officially the fancy bartender of your stuffy and sweaty dorm room pregame.

Finally, the sparkling water flavors make your HUDS meal ten times classier. It’s practically the equivalent of when you go to a restaurant and the waiter asks if you want tap or sparkling water and you splurge money on some San Pellegrino to feel luxurious. So the next time you have a gourmet meal of Apple Zings and red-spiced chicken breast with your roommates, you should toast to that with the new sparkling lemon water.

Hate It: "I Wish It Was Possible to Un-Taste That Abomination" by Kamara Swaby

I always do appreciate the effort HUDS has made in order to provide us with more options, (RIP bacon bleu cheeseburger from the grill). Even the “healthy” ones. So when I saw that there were additional drink choices in the dining halls, I was excited. We can’t all drink gallons of Diet Coke for breakfast, lunch and dinner. That being said, this group of new options are an evil done to human taste buds.

The lemon sparkling water is just heavily diluted, sugar free lemon lime Powerade. Even if you are a Powerade hater like Hyemi, you don’t deserve this water-downed monstrosity. The lime-mint one is a great alternative to mouthwash if one doesn’t like it too strong. And the cucumber is forgettable, at best. In general, the new selection tastes like regret and diet Capri Sun. Ever heard of diet Capri Sun? No, because it doesn’t exist, because it would suck.

Drinking the new water has in fact, made me want soda more in order to compensate for the disturbing flavor. I was so good at not drinking soda for ages. The minute after drinking the sparkling lemon flavored water, I ran back to get two glasses of regular Coke. Not even Diet Coke. Thanks, HUDS.

I definitely would not want to go to a party or a pre-game that served this instead of normal mixers. Sure, it may seem fancy and classy to drink Burnett’s vodka you had stored for 1 year with no chaser except for sparkling water. But will that matter when you regret your life decisions more than usual at 8 a.m. the next day?

If you look at how-tos for making flavored water, you will see that they actually use fruits. You know what fruits have? Natural sugar and great flavor. It would have been better if HUDS had made dispensers where they add actual fruits (don’t brag, Adams House) instead of this poor, poor substitute.