What You Actually Learn at Harvard

By Steven A Soto

You’ll probably learn a variety of important skills during your time at Harvard– how to flirt with your future i-banking husband at a PC party (does that even exist?), finding a cure for every disease while simultaneously achieving world peace, and memorizing Einstein’s formula for general relativity (tbh, we just searched “really hard formulas” on the internet for this) without using a calculator. We’re going to break it you really quickly and bluntly though: the undergrad experience isn’t about saving the world or coppin’ that A in orgo (good job though if you did). Here’s what you’ll actually learn at the big H:

1) How to get into a final club
We’re about to get all double entrende with this one– we mean how to get into one of Harvard’s exclusive social clubs and also how to physically get past the door for a PSK party. Both processes involve a bit of schmoozing, whether you’re trying to sell your best qualities in a non-bragging but “I swear I’m cool” way or you’re sweet-talking that sophomore punch (or middle-aged man) at the door. Clothing is also very important– we’d suggest dressing to the nines for punch and hearing out Project X’s good ol’ motto of “wearing something tight” for getting into the parties.

2) Becoming BFFs with Rubinoff
Unless you grew up in the ‘burbs of Boston (like yours truly, Noshoes), you probably thought Rubinoff (Ruby for Noshoes’ Beantown friends) was a knock-off cough syrup before coming to Harvard. Well, it’s kind of like cough syrup because they both taste terrible, but the difference is that Rubinoff tastes worse. But if you’re on that low college budget, Rubinoff will literally become that college friend that your parents warned you about: fun at the time, but hard to appreciate (or remember) in the long run. Nonetheless, it’s multifunctional:

3) Finding an easy way out of every assignment
Don’t bust us, Dean Hammonds, we’re not advocating any cheating scandals here. But we all know that you lost any semblance of your productivity as soon as you finished giving that valedictorian speech at your high school graduation. There’s nothing like finding that kid in your class who actually enjoys doing p-sets and snagging his/her digits for the blossoming of a new friendship, or turning the task of doing 50 pages of reading for a section into finding one impressive sentence from all your articles to share for “section participation points.” And if any teacher thinks we’re about to read an entire novel on a Thursday night, they better believe that Sparknotes will forever be bae. But if all else fails, at least we have grade inflation, right?

4) How to get free food
No one likes HUDS, it’s a fact of life. So as the saying goes, desperate times call for desperate measures. And by desperate measures, we mean feigning interest in the Harvard Club of People Who Want to Put a Good Club on their Resume so They Will Save Every Polar Bear in Antarctica (also known as HCPWWPGCRTWSEPBA for easier memorization) in exchange for Domino’s pizza. If HCPWWPGCRTWSEPBA isn’t right for you, we suggest swinging by a freshman entryway study break, go Stein Club hopping, or stacking a month’s worth of the beloved Marshmallow Matey’s into your free IOP Open House drawstring bag at Brain Break.