Water Pressure, Nutella, and Condoms for All: Class of 2018 Runs for the UC

Before Harvard graduates resign themselves to not making the world a better place, one must remember they were once Harvard freshmen, all unequivocally devoted to the betterment of humankind. While some Harvard freshmen aspire to improve the quality of life of millions by curing cancer, others take the more concrete approach of running to represent a group of other freshmen that they hardly know in order to make marginal improvements in the lives of students attending the world’s most affluent university. As Gandhi once said, “If you want to change the world, start by getting Nutella for the dhalls.”

Therefore we exhibit the following, a selection of the best quotes from our favorite Fall Undergraduate Council Election freshman candidate statements.

“I’ll tirelessly thrust for making condoms available in each entryway.”
This estimate seems somewhat optimistic considering 62.5% of y’all are virgins.

“I consider myself an extremely friendly, approachable person.” 
Yes, but do other people agree?

“[I’ll get you] free snacks and napping places at Lamont.”
No one’s going to argue with the free snacks. But installing napping places at Lamont seems rather superfluous.

“I'm running for a position on the UC because I want to galvanize systemic change and ensure our glorious institution actually adheres to veritas in all endeavors.”
You might want to throw in some detail-oriented, out-of-the-box synergy while you’re at it.

“If you could not already tell, my platform revolves around CONNECTION and the three main pillars of ACCESSIBILITY, ACCOUNTABILITY, and ADVOCACY. After all, CONNECTION is what makes Harvard, Harvard.”
Is it, though? And is this how you formatted your Common App essay?

“Outside of class, I love reading novels stretched out on the grass, listening to music and newly experimenting with ballroom dancing!”
How about long walks on the beach?

“My main purpose as a Crimson Yard rep for the UC will be to FIX THE WATER PRESSURE in our showers. We shouldn’t dread taking showers because of insufficient water pressure. … I look forward to a time when we don’t need to choose which side of our bodies to wet first, a time where I don’t walk all the way to Hemingway just to shower; this is our future.”
This is truly the blight of modern times, a fact of which Ernest is well aware. In addition to offering students free, firehose-pressured showers out of his Somerville home, he plans to detail a new vision of the future in his new book, “The Shower Pressure Also Rises.”

“Scott Ely hails from Grand Rapids, Michigan. He is an avid singer and tennis player, and he never misses a good debate. Scott plans to enhance the Harvard experience for the freshman of Oak Yard in three ways.”
A seasoned politician, Scott learned his rhetorical skills by watching tapes of Bob Dole in the 1996 presidential campaign.

Voting for UC candidates has begun, and will end Friday at noon. Choose wisely.