A Few Tips for Bloomberg's Commencement Speech

For those who were too busy studying for their midterms, it was recently revealed that Michael R. Bloomberg, former mayor of New York City and sixteenth wealthiest person in the world (moving up from last year’s 580th), will speak at Harvard’s 363rd Commencement ceremony on May 29. Hey Mikey, since we know you read Flyby, here are some tips to help you with your speech.

1) Don’t try to confiscate anyone’s beverage
Everyone knows you have a thing against big soft drinks. On that sweltering May day, just let people chug down lukewarm Diet Cokes as they sit wondering why tuition doesn’t cover an air-conditioned ceremony.

2) No frisking anyone
It’s a known fact that you are a big proponent of Stop and Frisk. Do not try to enforce it in Cambridge. Graduation is one of the most important events in a person’s life and no one wants it ruined by being frisked while getting their diploma. Also, no one wants to be frisked in public at all.

3) Don’t try speaking in a different language
Even though Harvard is a college of great diversity and is appreciative of other cultures, take this advice and stick to speaking English. Don’t make commencement more awkward then it has to be.

4) Stick to your allotted time
You’re used to extending your term-limits, but please don’t go over your time limit. Short and sweet (just like 17 oz of Coke!) is best. Especially since humanities concentrators need to use all the time they can get in order to find a job.

If you keep these tips in mind, hopefully you won’t offend too many people, but not boring the audience to tears is another issue even we can’t help you with.