V-Day Gift for your Hookup

Getting gifts for Valentine's Day has always been complicated (do you use debit or credit?) but the Hookup Culture has made the situation even more difficult. You shouldn’t buy anything that comes off as too clingy, but then again, you probably shouldn’t be buying anything at all.  Luckily, I am here with some helpful advice.

Leftovers
Nothing says, “I kind of care about you, but not that much that I want to make this an official thing” like a half eaten bag of any assorted candy. Make her Valentine’s Day with a half-empty bag of Dove chocolate bag or a handful of Sour Patch Kids (only the orange flavor). Make sure to emphasize that originally they were sent to you as a care package from your great aunt, and that your roommate already picked out all the good flavors.

Pre-made Valentines
Buzzfeed came up with a list of handmade valentines. But Buzzfeed is stupid. I recommend going with pre-made cartoon valentines. The Scooby Doo valentine with the dog pun was a hit in second grade and it will be a hit now. Plus, Not only do you not have to write anything personal (unless you are indeed hooking up with your proctor’s Labrador—which is weird) but also they come in a pack of 16, which will allow you to cover most of your hookups since freshmen spring.

An Odwalla Bar
Or anything else that you can buy with Board Plus. Get her a stick of gum, or better yet one of those waxy red apples that they sell in the Science Center Café, but that you could also have taken from a D-Hall for free. Caution: make sure that you don’t accidentally use Crimson Cash—that would make it a real gift.

Respect
If you are worried about your half-eaten Odwalla bar or “yo” drunken Facebook message appearing too romantic on Valentine’s Day eve, tell your hookup that you are just looking to celebrate a different historic event. For example, on February 14, 1967 Aretha Franklin recorded her hit song “Respect.”  Also, in 1992 a cease-fire in Somalia began. I think we can all agree that that is something worth drunkenly hooking up over.

A Goodwin Procter LLP Pen
Not only do they come in blue and black ink, but also if you swing by the OCS Pre-Law fair you also be able to get a 5-gigabyte flash drive. Give him one of these and, trust me, he will be the one texting you at 12:01am on February 15— when Aretha Franklin Day is over and it is safe to make contact again.