Harvard Wants To Be a $6.5 Billionaire, So Freaking Bad

For once, the people walking around on campus wearing striped suits and gold watches are neither trying to punch a final club nor are they being recruited by a consulting firm. Rather, Harvard’s trying to recruit them—or their checkbooks—for the recently announced Harvard Campaign, its biggest, baddest, champagne-flutiest campaign yet. Not sure what the money will be going to? Well, luckily Harvard has broken it down into categories, and Flyby is here to explain exactly what (we think) they mean.

Flexible Funding to Foster Collaborations* and Initiatives: 10%

These proceeds may go toward setting up intensely emotional group-bonding activities for professors collaborating* on research. In this category, funds have been further subdivided as follows: trust falls, trust dives, and trust tripping over expensive lab equipment, 40%; competitive group therapy, 30%; book clubs in which every meeting discusses a different edition of Greg Mankiw’s textbook, 20%; and scavenger hunts, 10%.

To further establish an environment in which professors feel safe and confident about sharing their work, the following mental health and wellbeing seminars will be offered:

10/2: Paranoia: What if All the Sections Are Secretly Discussing How I Had a Coffee-Stain on My Button-Down Last Monday?

11/14: Checking the Ego: Sometimes It’s Good to Have at Least One Item on the Syllabus That You Haven’t Personally Written

*Collaboration is permitted in writing work, but any written work you submit for evaluation must be the result of your own research and writing.

Capital Improvements: 20%

Money raised in this category will go toward training professors to sound more British, and therefore more intelligent, by providing workshops that instruct them to say “Capital!” whenever they hear a good idea. Future fundraising may go toward Bloody Hell Improvements, Cheerio Improvements, and most importantly, Tea and Crumpets Improvements.

Financial Aid and The Student Experience, 25%

After an extensive survey conducted by Harvard’s financial aid office, the college has found that the price of tuition may be matched, or exceeded, by certain other necessities. For instance, the typical costs for the first year of college break down accordingly: That stupid sticky stuff Yard-Ops says you have to use to hang up all of your posters, $400; the Scotch tape that you actually use to hang up your posters, $36,000; food purchased during the day, $300: Food purchased after three a.m. while intoxicated, $8,500,476. Fundraising for this category may cover these financial necessities.

Teaching and Research, 45%

Funds will be directed toward fundamental questions of teaching and research, such as “Why is it necessary to interact with stupid undergraduates who aren’t yet experts in the field of post-modern thermodynamics?” and “Does it count as teaching if I record all of my lectures, but then pause the tape to point out pertinent background information, such as how badass I sounded when I totally refuted my esteemed colleague’s entire argument?”

Brainstorming workshops for creating dramatic course titles may also be offered. Past attendees have come up with such enticing names as “Aluminum: The Metaphysical Physics of Physical Metals” and “Truth: The Essence of the Meaning of the Purpose of Life.”