Last-Minute UC Entries?

Harvard has once again reached that heralded moment in democracy: the time when students vote for their Undergraduate Council representatives. Although the freshmen candidates have been enthusiastically campaigning, most students have been underwhelmed by their options so far. Neither the professionally printed posters nor even the creative use of a disco ball by one candidate have bolstered student confidence in the abilities of their classmates. Thankfully, the international community has heeded the call for help, and several new candidates have thrown their hats into the ring at the last minute.

This fall, several world leaders have set their sights on Harvard, and they want more than a gig at the IOP. The unique experience and perspective that these candidates bring will surely bolster the strength and capabilities of the UC. In no particular order, we present the newest crop of candidates and, if they were running, what they might say to promote their candidacies to Harvard students.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: The former Iranian President is currently unemployed, and he hopes to take his talents to Cambridge. Not only was he originally trained as an engineer and teacher, but his experience as the party chief of the “Alliance of Builders of Islamic Iran” will bring a completely new take to student organizing. Furthermore, when Ahmadinejad says the university must pay for students’ printing needs, you can take his threats of force very seriously.

Vladimir Putin: Russia’s president has been a bit preoccupied lately with Syria’s chemical weapons, but he’s not concerned with the extra commitment of a seat on the UC. In fact, this former KGB officer is one of the few people who can realistically claim to have eyes everywhere. For students who want a strong voice on the council, Putin offers an iron commitment to his principles and won’t back down from any intimidation. Should Harvard students get into trouble with the Ad Board, Putin has the unique ability to offer political asylum in the motherland, something no other candidate can match. Don’t pull an Obama and underestimate this guy.

Beyoncé Knowles: International sensation Beyoncé can do anything—sing, dance, act, and now even campaign. Beyonce has been all over campus recently, helping sophomores study in Lamont, serenading star-struck freshmen in Annenberg, and even helping some of Harvard’s more awkward students get down at the Rush Hour dance. She brings elegance and swag to a campaign that up to this point has been dominated by cold and dirty politics. If Beyoncé can’t persuade university administrators to improve dining hall hours, then no one can. She’s inspiring, she’s the closest thing to perfection we’ll experience in our lifetimes, and if you vote for her then maybe, just maybe, she’ll perform at Yardfest.

Barack Obama: We all know the troubles President Obama has recently faced. Struggles with congressional Republicans, leaks from within his own administration, and multiple crises in the Middle East have all undermined Obama’s agenda. The commander-in-chief has not been doing so well lately, and his bid for the UC is a redemption story in the truest sense of the phrase. Being the leader of the free world is stressful, and President Obama wants an opportunity to start anew on a smaller scale. He is ready to sacrifice the White House for Canaday, even if it means risking handing the nation’s reins over to Joe Biden. Obama knows how to campaign; he’ll only face his first real test if the Quad goes through with their plan to secede from the University. If you see the President desperately rubbing John Harvard’s foot, don’t be alarmed.