Love Advice for All!

Welcome to "Listen Up!," Flyby's weekly advice column, written by two jobless, washed-up seniors from their futon in Winthrop.

We recently received a question submission that went as follows: "Oppam Gangnam Style!"

Just to clarify, this is not actually a question. As in, if you submitted that as your weekly discussion question for section, you would fail (a.k.a. get a B-).

When we found ourselves questionless last week, we decided to create a focus group of Harvard students (i.e. we lured our friends to our suite with wine and M&Ms) to discuss some key questions facing our generation. After breezing through gay marriage, world hunger, and gun control, it was romantic interactions that most stumped our participants. This was not surprising: some studies show that five out of the five students who read this column do so primarily for advice about their love lives.

While we wait for you to actually send us some questions—you know, like sentences using a question mark—we are going to offer up some unsolicited advice on general topics of interest:

Long Distance Relationships: Really Don't Last

All couples in a long distance relationship think that theirs will be the one that works. "We are the exception," they say, gazing into each others' eyes on the computer screen as they enter their third consecutive hour on Skype. You aren't the exception. No one is. Break up now.

We know, we know, it seems like a good idea. Why would you break up with the person you love just because of a silly thing like distance? Here's why: distance is a bitch. It will turn you into a crazy, depressed person who is constantly texting, calling, Skyping, and crying.

Never thought you were the jealous type? Just wait until you meet your long distance girlfriend's male neighbor in a dorm that has unisex bathrooms. Didn't think you were clingy? In two months you'll be convinced that a twenty minute lag time in your long distance boyfriend's text response is the beginning of the end of your relationship.

Sometimes, you will try to eat meals or watch the same movie while video chatting with each other, like you're on a real date! But you aren't. You are miles apart. Our advice? "Exception" is just another word for "catastrophe."

We will give you long distance relationshippers one thing though: absence, and abstinence, tend to make the heart grow fonder. Also, you get more mail.

Sexiling: A Crime of Passion

Let's face it: there's really no good way to handle this rite of passage. However, our requisite freshman focus group member did have one suggestion that he and his roommates have successfully employed: the guilty party is required to spend a day walking around campus wearing a Yale hat. Maybe a little cruel and unusual, but we think that sounds fair.

Age Differences, or Does 1/2 (Your Age) + 7 = Compatible?

Susan Patton, an alumna of Princeton, recently wrote a rather horrifying letter to The Daily Princetonian about how we all need to get on board the husband-finding train, like, right now. We take issue with her central thesis, but we also would like to address another theory of Ms. Patton's: that senior women can't date younger men. Ms. Patton writes, "So, by the time you are a senior, you basically have only the men in your own class to choose from, and frankly, they now have four classes of women to choose from."

You are horribly mistaken, Ms. Patton. This is not a Jane Austen novel and we are not past our prime at the age of 22. Taylor Swift even wrote a song about how great it is to be 22, and we'll take her dating advice over yours any day. She has made millions by dating younger men and then breaking up with them.

So here's our consensus: do what you please, just stay out of the Yard. Or, as we like to call it, "The Playpen." Seniors, think about it this way: when you were on FOP, the Freshman was planning a sweet sixteen party. When you took the SATs, the Freshman was at a bar mitzvah. When you were at your bar/bat mitzvah, the Freshman was learning how to tell time. Freshmen aren't a good look on anyone but other freshmen, and that goes for both men and women.

All other class years are fair game. There are actually some great benefits to dating younger. Sophomores and Juniors are more likely to still have an optimistic view about their time at Harvard. They aren't stressing about jobs and real life yet. They are also more likely to live in DeWolfe, which is air conditioned—a nice amenity for the three days out of the school year during which you need it.

Have issues? We can help!

Maybe.

Anonymously submit your pressing life questions here!

Love and Life Lessons,

Sarah and Julia