Lulu to Your Liking

It's more than just a repeated consonant sound or the first half of a high-end athletic store. It's a smartphone app that allows women to anonymously rate past hookups, boyfriends and crushes, so that other women can see these rankings while men cannot. According to its website, "Lulu is a smart girls' app for private recommendations and reviews on guys," and according to my friends' reactions, Lulu is "WHAAAT?"

But now that we have already downloaded Lulu—and downloaded a dozen other apps so that no will notice it's on our phones—what do we do with it? It turns out that it takes more than just a bitter attitude and a willingness to objectify men to use Lulu correctly; it also takes some finesse. So here are some tips.

1. Use the Hashtags

Lulu does not give you the option to write your own comment, but instead offers a variety of hashtags through which you can express everything. Since it is hard to write scathing reviews about how self-centered a boy is using #HasADog, you will have to get creative and string lists of hashtags together to say something of meaning.

For example, #PlaysDidgeridoo #HotCar #OwnsCrocs clearly conveys the message that he has an STD.

2. Beware of Family Friends

If you are like me, then you have a couple older friends on your Facebook account—your dentist or second cousins, people whom you've known all your life and who now occasionally comment on drunk photos of you.

These friends might show up on Lulu. Whatever you do, do not look at their profiles or read their reviews. There could be nothing, but there could also not be nothing. No one should take that risk.

3. Revenge

Don't do it. It has nothing to do with ethical issues, quite obviously (if we had these, we wouldn't be using the app). It has to do with the technical issues. It doesn't work. I tried. I said that one boy had a nonexistent sense of humor and openly burps in public, yet he still ended up with relatively high marks: a 6.5 on the scale and a #DoesHisOwnLaundry.

4. Sell Your Services

It's not often that we women have this kind of power, so capitalize on it!

Offer to write up a flattering review for your guy friends in return for something substantial. Sure, allowing men to see their profiles might defeat the whole purpose of Lulu, but then again the whole purpose of Lulu is objectifying the men with these horrendous profiles. This purpose deserves to be defeated. So rate your friends #GreatSmile in return for a great big latte or a blank check.