New Admissions Video Would Like You To Know That Anything, Even Breakfast, Could Happen at Harvard

After watching the University’s new admissions video, current Harvard students themselves will wish they went to Harvard.

The elaborately filmed and unnecessarily long 16-minute video (finally evidence that our tuition money is going to good use) is called “Anything Could Happen at Harvard.” Yes, it’s a play off of Ellie Goulding’s song. No, it isn’t any less cheesy or over-the-top than it sounds.

We totally understand why Harvard felt the need to make this video. Let’s be honest—it’s hard to deal with catastrophes like having a mere $32.7 billion endowment and a lowly 34,000+ yearly applicants. But alas, Harvard always finds a way to prevail against these seemingly insurmountable problems. In response to its meager endowment, Harvard launched its new $6.5 billion capital campaign. And in response to its paltry number of applications, Harvard released its new video.

If you’ve seen “The Social Network,” then you know the John Harvard statue is also called the statue of three lies. If you go to Harvard, then you know this admissions video also contains many lies. Here are three of the video’s most glaring untruths:

1. That you will go into Boston.
The video opens with shots of Boston on a gorgeous sunny day. Pay close attention, prospective students—and current students, too, actually—as this is the closest to Boston you’ll ever get. You will not go into Boston on beautiful, blue-sky days because a) this is New England and there are about two nice days a year and they’re in June and you won’t be here and b) you will be too busy doing p-sets in Lamont every day to venture across the river.

2. That you will eat breakfast.
The video shows not one, but two scenes with people eating breakfast. “Breakfast? What’s that?” current Harvard students are no doubt wondering. “But you don’t even have class until, like, 10 a.m.,” prospective students are thinking, “surely you can squeeze breakfast in before then.” Wrong. The truth of the matter is that you will not eat breakfast if your first class is at 10 a.m. or 11 a.m. or even 4 p.m. You will not eat breakfast at Annenberg or the Houses (obviously, because they don’t even have hot breakfast). You will not eat breakfast here or there. You will not eat breakfast anywhere. You will eat brunch though. And by brunch, I mean veritaffles.

3. That you could become Jeremy Lin ’10 or Matt Damon, formerly of the Class of 1992, if you go to Harvard.
First of all, props to Harvard for getting Matt Damon to appear in its admissions video. But, come on, he didn’t even graduate. Anything could happen at Harvard, but not really, because if you’re five-foot-one, it doesn’t matter what school you go to, you’re just not going to be a basketball player. And if you really want to be a professional basketball player, may I suggest Duke? Half of Harvard students can’t even name a player on our basketball team.

Prospective students should know that while this video isn’t a super accurate portrayal of the Harvard experience, it does contain at least one truth. Fast forward to the last minute-and-a-half where everyone says their name and where they’re from. This is orientation week at Harvard.