Why Prince Harry Should Marry a Harvard Girl

Last weekend, I woke up to some devastating news: numerous sources reported rumors that Prince Harry is either secretly engaged or will be engaged to Cressida Bonas within the next year. Tasked with a heavy day of studying for midterms ahead of me, I found myself brainstorming ways to break the couple up. My plan was always you, Prince Harry. So, Prince Harry, if you’re reading this, here are a few reasons that you should be marrying a Harvard girl (I’m not saying it has to be me, but it definitely could be...):

1. We live in Cambridge, Mass.
Your brother, Prince William, is the Duke of Cambridge, and your adorable baby nephew is now the Prince of Cambridge. Keep it in the family—you too could marry a woman “of Cambridge”.

2. We’ve proven ourselves capable of handling stress.
Is Cressida capable of spending upwards of ten hours on a p-set, being in an a capella group, doing community service, and still staying fit and beautiful? I don’t think so. We’ll embrace all our princess duties like the overachievers we are—and we’ll look good doing it.

3. We could help your Grandma with governmental issues.
Using our knowledge from our Econ, Government, and Psych classes, we could improve the quality of life in Britain by 100%. We’ll even let you take some of the credit.

4. We’re just the kind of discipline you need.
You’re a party boy—it’s okay, we’re used to that, and we're used to dealing with it. In no time you’ll abandon your hedonistic ways. We’ll sit you down in Lamont and make sure you finish your work on time.

5. We’re so much more fun to party with than your normal crew.
Thursday, Friday, and Saturday night, we’re up to hitting the town. We’ll finish our princess duties by 5 p.m. so that we have the night free to spend with you. Our DAPA experience will come in handy when we’re taking care of you after a rough night, and you’ll never have to worry about our feet being sore in our high heels—we’re used to the long walks to the Quad. We’re so up for helping you finish that Scorpion Bowl.

You still have time, Prince Harry, you haven’t even hit 30 yet. Make a Harvard girl your princess—you won’t regret it.