The Pfoho Oracle Has Spoken

Having relationship issues? Wondering about your future as an investment banker? "PfAnon" brings you his/her dish of predictions through Pfohoroscopes, a weekly feature of the table tent newsletter at Pforzheimer House.

PfAnon—who, to our knowledge, is an undergraduate Pfoho resident of unknown gender—has been churning out gems like the following excerpt from this week's edition:

Gemini: You’ve developed a huge crush on that prize of PRISE. He’s seen you diligently working in the lab every day and night, honing your dissection and pipeting [sic] skills. However, don’t get caught in cell culture when he comes looking for a collaborator on a new project.

Anyway, we got to speak with the prophet the other day in an intimate Gchat interview. Check out some of the juicier portions:

Flyby: To start off, we know you can't disclose your name, but who are you? How would you describe yourself?

PfAnon: My dating profile says I enjoy long walks on the beach and have a crush on [Pforzheimer House Master] Nicholas Christakis.

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Flyby: Where do you get your prophetic powers?

PfAnon: Well I always thought my lightning bolt scar was just a birthmark...

Flyby: And where is this lightning bolt scar?

PfAnon: I didn't know [Flyby] was THAT kind of publication!

Flyby: Fair enough. So how do you translate these...signs...that you receive into English to convey the Pfohoroscopes to your audience?

PfAnon: Well...it involves trips to the bell tower...the aura is inspiring.

Flyby: What type of Pfohoroscope is your favorite to write?

PfAnon: My favorite sign to write is Capricorn because it is always fun when I see some of my Pfoho pfriends in my visions. Also because Nicholas Christakis is a Capricorn. I think. I wish he was. I just made that up.

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Flyby: Which sign is the hardest to write?

PfAnon: Virgo, because it brings back some bad memories.

Flyby: Care to elaborate?

PfAnon: No.

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Flyby: Is each set of Pfohoroscopes always themed depending on the time of year? For instance, this one you just sent out is summer-themed.

PfAnon: Some are—however the stars move me. I usually devote several to senior theses, and I have a whole week or two for the Harvard-Yale game. And then there are special ones devoted to Pfohosers who inspire me.

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Flyby: Has anyone ever replied to your Pfohoroscopes?

PfAnon: I got a lot of pflove on Pfopen [the House e-mail list]. Many people say they like them, but occasionally someone doesn't like their pfortune. But I'm just the messenger...

Flyby: How long do you foresee yourself writing these messages?

PfAnon: I'll definitely try to do them throughout this next year, but who can really predict the way the stars will move...

Flyby: Has Nicholas Christakis ever replied?

PfAnon: He once posted the text of a Pfohoroscope about him on his Facebook profile (also known as my homepage).

Flyby: And what do you hope is the reaction when people read your Pfohoroscopes each time? Laughter? Entertainment? Enlightenment?

PfAnon: Pfulfillment. Nothing makes me happier than to sit and watch people read my Pfohoroscopes at lunch. They are posted on table tents in the dining hall as part of the weekly newsletter.

Flyby: Is there anything else you'd like to add?

PfAnon: No. This has been pfun.

Photo courtesy of PfAnon.