Solutions for the Swine Flu

Good morning, weary traveler.  Guess what happened while you were sleeping?  Well, it pretends when you went to bed, but anyway there was a "probable" case of swine flu announced out of the Harvard School of Dental Medicine.   The Dental School.  Thanks a lot, Dental School.  Thanks for being the first to bring the swine killer our way.

At this point, you know all about swine flu. Perhaps you are keeping your distance from pork chops or vigorously washing your hands at this moment. From its place in relative health obscurity, falling somewhere between scabies and Tourette’s syndrome, swine flu has launched itself into germ infamy.The outbreak has affected thousands in Mexico and well over 100 and counting in the US.  And now maybe the Dental School.

You can't say we weren't prepared for this.  Harvard University Health Services sent out a helpful email informing the Harvard community about how to avoid contracting the virus.  Insightful advice about washing hands (with soap, people!), avoiding contact with the sick, and how to cough properly (“into the crook of your elbow”) from HUHS has been much appreciated by FlyBy, who had previously thought that sneezing into people’s faces and swapping saliva with those who had hacking coughs was healthy and downright sexy. So, in order to better inform the Harvard community on how to proceed in this time of pandemic confusion, FlyBy has figured out a simple and effective form of swine flu deterrence.  We've got your back.

Find out what it is after the jump.

Gas masks!

Gas masks would be extremely effective in stopping the spread of germs. Gas masks cover the entire face, so no need to worry about touching eyes, nose, or mouth. They also make it difficult, in many ways, to hit on sick people, so no need to worry about getting dirty germs. And think of all that time you’ll save from not touching your face and not touching other people to wash your hands with soap! Genius idea, we know, but now how can you proceed in getting this necessary, life-saving object you wonder? FlyBy has taken the liberty to find local businesses that could help.

1) Lush: With so many soaps of all scents available, Lush on JFK St would seem like an ideal place for taking the next step in fighting swine flu and selling the highly marketable gas mask. But upon inquiry, FlyBy was told that Lush indeed did not sell gas masks but did “have a wide selection of facemasks.” How delusional, as if an apricot exfoliating face mask would really help.

2) Dickson Bros: Although this hardware store carries some wimpy dust masks, it was lacking on the heavy-duty gas masks. Butthey do carry the "respiratory mask," which may just have to do.

3) Hong Kong: Surprisingly, the Kong also does not carry gas masks, although patrons often report the desire to have one when they see the Scorpion Bowl.

Conclusion: The dearth of the gas mask industry in the Square is not only surprising, but also just wrong. Without this useful--not to mention fashionable--piece of safety equipment, Harvardians are continually exposed to a myriad of deadly diseases. And yet, when asked if he would wear a gas mask to avoid swine flu, one freshman said, “I’ll take my chances.” The ignorance towards gas masks will have consquences. Don’t come crying to FlyBy when you get that cough, we will be safe and sound behind our gas masks.