Around the Ivies (and Stanford)

Cornell

The Cornell Daily Sun has cut a path away from its peers by appointing a horoscope writer who writes all weekly horoscopes herself. But this Cornell undergrad’s methodology may raise some questions. All of her horoscopes say in some form or another, “Don’t stress, you’ll get time to relax soon,” or, “Really, stop working and just chill.” But the planets and stars are calling all Leos to start thinking seriously about their summer plans:

"Have you found that killer summer internship yet, Leo? The summer may still seem a bit far off, but make sure you get the ball rolling this week and you’ll feel a lot better about things. By the end of the week you’ll be ready to blow off some steam and spend some time bonding with your friends."

But here is the best horoscope for this week (after the jump):

“Watch out, Scorpio! You are quite a force to be reckoned with this week. Whether it’s in a group project or a political debate with your roommates, you’ll be sure to get your point across and earn some respect along the way. Don’t let this all go to your head though, or you may be worn out by the end of the week.”

To all Scorpios this week: just wait for your professor to split your seminar up into discussion groups next Tuesday. Then you will be a star. Just don’t let all that fame wear you out.

Princeton

Though isolated in the bleak terrain of New Jersey, the Daily Princetonian is trying hard to innovate. They are now running a regular column called “Ask a Grad Student,” where the anonymous Ph.D. student answers gets to answer such glamorous questions as, “Do grad students shower?” He/she dispels popular doubt by explaining that yes, most grad students do care about hygiene. Sort of.

But “Ask a Grad Student” still does not match Princeton’s more established—and notorious—“Ask the Sexpert” column, where professional health experts go into just enough detail to make you never want to have sex at all. This may be the hidden point of the column, since Princeton’s UHS apparently does the “fact-checking.”

Stanford

A columnist at the Stanford Daily News reveals why opinion writers really are in the newspaper business:

“While I suspect that the majority of Stanford Daily readers are actually middle-aged women, I have this fantasy that if I can write a sexy, provocative column that showcases my deliciously snide wit each week, I will have hordes of eligible young literary bachelors knocking on my co-op door.”

If it turns out that Chris Lacaria has been lamenting the decline of Western civilization all this time just to get girls, no one is safe.

Dartmouth

The Dartmouth Symphony Orchestra will ditch playing actual symphonies for the “Mother Goose Suite” and an assortment of other short pieces this Saturday—a concert that “promises to be an exception with its accessible themes.”

It remains to be seen whether Mother Goose can draw more Dartmouth undergrads away from beerpong to the symphony than usual.

Yale

A lot has happened at Yale these past few days: Geronimo’s heirs have decided to sue Skull and Bones, Yale has announced that it will delay building its two new Colleges (i.e. Houses), and Yale’s administration has announced that staff layoffs are inevitable. Which raises the question of which will come first: Harvard admitting that layoffs will most likely occur, Dunster’s walkthroughs and Lowell’s inexplicably placed hallways and fire-doors getting gutted out and redesigned, or the Fly coming out and admitting that they’ve been hiding Geronimo’s skull all this time?