Some 'Poon-Provided Procrastination

FlyBy recently got hold of the Lampoon’s latest issue in an exclusive leak (aka two poonsters came by and dropped it off, those shameless publicity seekers.). “Tenderfoot” is Issue #1 of Volume CXCIX (yes, that’s 199. The Lampoon was founded in 1876. We don't understand their numbering system.), and is the last issue of Matthew K. Grzecki '10's reign as president.

For some strange reason, the “new” issue is for October 2009. What happened Grzecki? It’s December. If you miss your deadline you should at least change the date.

“Tenderfoot” has a specific focus on technology and atomization of American culture. The title implies (and then laments) newbies in a world in which humans have become estranged by technological individualism and isolation. It’s both a diatribe and glorification of post-modernism. Damn, Lampoon. So deep.

“[I]s this going on a site for fat people?” a porn star asks her marketing agent in a piece by KMM.

A piece called “My Video Game Idea” pitches a vision for a new game in a meta-novel-ish vision—a 2-D game that features a voluptuous if pixilated woman is being played by an even more attractive and higher resolution woman, which is being watched and enjoyed by a fat man on a couch, which is all being observed by a fat man who is wearing virtual reality goggles and sitting in a “futuristic chair.” We learn that the man on the couch is really the fat man’s avatar.

Though the piece is pretty funny and probably successful in exploring the overlap of simulation and reality in a modern world, it's reminiscent of last year’s University of Chicago Application essay question about the “Powers of 10." And FlyBy already suffered through that one.

A piece by outgoing “Narthex” John B. Owens ’10 (apparently a narthex is the entrance of a church? What?) describes a “brain uploading place.” I mean, hasn’t everyone always wanted to upload its brain into a robot body and live forever? FlyBy has.

A man touring the lab narrates, “Mikey nudged me, put his hands to his cheeks and opened his eyes really wide. As soon as I turned around he nudged me again and did the same thing, but this time he had smeared some goat’s blood around his neck. Out of all my friends, Mikey carried the largest number of vials filled with goat blood. His carrying satchel wasn’t the nicest one but it was up there.” Creepy.

In "Have You Seen Her" one boy inquires about the locations of various girls. Turns out they're all busy--that is, getting busy-- with other guys. Ouch. It's not the racy girls that make us cringe, it's the male adolescent insecurity that we can feel seeping from each line. Sorry man, but she's (ALL of them) just not that into you.

In the minutes of a town meeting in Willow Graves Estates we read that Zed (?) interrupts the meeting repeatedly to ask that the town board be dismantled and he be made president. Zed (?) is ignored. Zed (?) then motions to be put in charge. Zed (?) is not seconded, then denied. FlyBy wonders why this sounds vaguely familiar. UC...?

In one piece called "Safe Sex" a teacher discusses his sex-ed curriculum. Turns out the guide to safe sex includes condoms and duct tape on the girl's mouth. The bewildered teacher says he thought that was how it was done. That's hilarious. And so original.

The art, as usual, is mind-bending and delightful. FlyBy especially likes the drawing of two people in a tall building vomiting on a man on the sidewalk below. Nice work, IMTB.

But the most bizarre part of the most recent issue is the ads. Let’s play a little game of real or hoax. Which of these ads are legit?

Real or Hoax:

“No Name Restaurant” (FlyBy can’t decide which would be weirder: that “No Name Restaurant” purchased this ad, or that the Lampoon made it up and paid for the full-page of color themselves)

“Longy School of Music” (Okay, Longy is on the way to the Quad, we know. But we didn’t know that the whacked-out, sleep-deprived, and socially-awkward subscribers of the Lampoon are just what Longy is looking for...?)

“The Historical Out of Town News” (Is the newsstand’s address really 0 Harvard Square?! That’s incredible.)

“The Kebab Factory” (In Somerville? Since when does the Lampoon have a large readership in Somerville?)

“Beertubes.com” (The ad features a fat man in the ad wearing a COLLEGE T-shirt. This makes FlyBy think this is legit)

“Accurate Collision Inc.” (Who would name a full service auto body Accurate Collision? And why is it always the back cover?)

“Bond University in Australia” (The same ad was printed twice. Either Bond University is overzealous or someone was trying to fill white space...)

“Boloco” (okay we know this is real, but the phallic wrapped burrito is unreal.)