AROUND THE IVIES: Football Will Now Actually Take Princeton Seriously

We’ve officially hit the midway point of the 2016 season. From here on out, it’s all Ivy League games, all the time.

On one hand, it’s going to be nice to see some rivalry games soon, especially the most storied rivalry in the entire league: Columbia-Cornell. Wait, you were going to say Harvard-Yale? Fair, but that matchup crosses state lines, and the teams’ names don’t form an alliteration. See? Not as exciting.

On the other hand, it’s a little bit daunting that there are so few Ivy League games left, because I have to write the same number of words, but now there are only four games to write about. So many thoughts to put down into writing, so little time. One small step for man, one giant leap for a certain Crimson sports writer.

Since the season is halfway over, let’s talk about a few “halves.” First and foremost, you only have half a season left of having to read my and my two co-writers’ work. The end is mercifully in sight.

Secondly, is it just me, or does it seem like every Ivy League school’s band is only half a band? I’m not just talking about the number of performers, because that much is easy to see. I’m talking about the quality of the music, too. It’s like they forget to bring half the band’s members, and those forgotten musicians just so happen to be the most talented of the bunch, so both the choice in what to play, and the performace itself, are less than par. Despite the bands’ collective struggles, they still seem really enthusiastic trying to organize themselves into shapes or words during their halftime shows. Even after half a season, I think Harvard’s band might still be perfecting the “H” formation. You’ll get it next week, guys!

Let’s transition to TV. “The Office” is a staple of any Netflix connoisseur’s lineup, and it has a multitude of Ivy League connections. For those unfamiliar with this masterpiece, Harvard notables B. J. Novak, Mindy Kaling, and Rashida Jones all play key characters. Also, Ed Helms plays Andy Bernard, an eccentric, angry Cornell grad who is obsessed with his alma mater.

How is “The Office” relevant to Ivy League football, you ask? Well, as we were saying about midway points, this show reaches its pinnacle about halfway through its nine seasons. From there on, it is still an elite series, but it is never the same after Michael Scott leaves for Colorado. Was Harvard’s loss to Holy Cross last week a sign of a similar decline to come? Tune in this Saturday to find out for yourself.

Now that I think about it, that whole intro might not have been as witty as I thought it was. But as Bill Belichick would say, “We’re on to the predictions.”

PENN AT YALE

Yale is only 1-2 in home games this year. One possible explanation is that the home crowd is not much of a crowd in the vast wasteland that is the Yale Bowl. Its seating capacity seems to be somewhere in the millions, and attendance is only a few thousand per game. Maybe be a little self-aware when designing your football stadium. Just a thought.

Anyway, mark this down as another home loss for the Bulldogs. Penn, despite a rough start to its 2016 campaign, has picked up the pace recently. The Quakers have won their last three games by a combined 50 points, including a 35-10 drubbing of Columbia last week.

Yale, on the other hand, has lost four out of five to start off. However, the Bulldogs beat Dartmouth, 21-13, so maybe this won’t be a blowout.

Interestingly, both of these teams have lost to Lehigh and Fordham this season.

Prediction: Penn 27, Yale 21

DARTMOUTH AT COLUMBIA

There are some matchups so lopsided that you might as well pick an upset just to have the chance to be in the small minority of those who guessed correctly.

This is not one of those times.

No matter how much I want to go with Columbia here, I just can’t bring myself to do it. Sure, Dartmouth did lose to Yale recently and barelyw escaped with non-conference wins over New Hampshire and Towson, but Columbia is just not going to score enough points to win this game.

Columbia has scored only 61 total points this season, 37 fewer than Brown, which has the second-worst offense in the Ivy League.

Columbia’s defense has excelled in non-conference play, only surrendering a total of 43 points in those three games. However, Princeton tacked on 48 all by itself in a rout, and Penn put up 35 on the Lions last week. Look for Dartmouth to continue the trend of Ivy teams beating up on Columbia.

Prediction: Dartmouth 34, Columbia 17

CORNELL AT BROWN

Cornell has gone in the opposite direction of Penn since a 3-0 start. After a loss to Harvard, the Big Red followed with another defeat, this time at the hands of Sacred Heart.

Brown’s performance this year leaves much to be desired. The Bears have lost four straight games, and last week they only scored seven points at Princeton.

Cornell has been in a slump as of late, but it is still a very balanced team offensively and defensively, and that should be more than enough to handle Brown with ease.

Maybe Andy Bernard’s Cornell a cappella group, Here Comes Treble, could spice up those halftime performances.

Prediction: Cornell 28, Brown 10

HARVARD AT PRINCETON

Harvard is coming off a loss to Holy Cross, and I think everyone is still reeling a bit. This situation reminds me of the Golden State Warriors’ undefeated run at the beginning of the 2015-2016 season. Everyone expected the Warriors to lose a game at some point, but no one thought the Bucks would be the team to end their run.

Trivia question: Which is the only Ancient Eight team with a better point differential than Harvard through five games?

That’s right, Princeton, at plus 63. The Crimson’s defense will have to step up and shut down the Tigers’ potent offensive attack, led by senior quarterback Chad Kanoff, to leave New Jersey with a win on Saturday.

There is a good chance Princeton extends Harvard’s losing streak to two games. However, I feel like it would be considered blasphemy if I picked the Crimson to lose, so I’ll refrain from that.

Prediction: Harvard 35, Princeton 31

—Staff writer Jack Stockless can be reached at jack.stockless@thecrimson.com.