From the Notes of Alan M. Garber

Monday, April 14, 1:04 PM - Sent a risky email right there.

1:05 - Wonder how The Crimson Editorial Board will react.

1:07 - Wonder what my wife is making for dinner. Wonder who is at my window right now.

1:08 - It is hordes of adoring fans chanting “ALI G.” I think I see my psychoanalyst among them.

1:12 - Ate lunch. Gloria from Harvard University Dining Services winked at me and gave me extra mayo for my tuna sandwich. This is good as going forward we will not be able to buy any more mayo.

2:17 - Walked through Yard to meet with governing board. Ryan D. Enos “dapped me up.” I fell down. Worth it.

2:34 - Suzy Fishbloom called back; she is sorry she missed my message from 1972. Yes she will go to the prom with me.

3:14 - Went to La Flamme for haircut; Tony and I agree that today is the day for frosted tips. Feeling young again. Cannot pay as am soon to be $2B in debt; Tony happily accepts a Sharpie signature on his left bicep instead.

4:22 - Corporation meeting ended. Could not hear much that was said due to hordes of fans outside now holding up signs favorably comparing my appearance to that of Matt P. Damon ’92; however, I am pretty sure we agreed to jettison the Harvard Divinity School as a cost-saving measure. Excellent news.

4:27 - I wonder how I would look in sunglasses and maybe a leather jacket.

4:38 - I bet Christopher L. Eisgruber is really jealous of me. In the Ivy University President GroupMe Maurie McInnis reacted to my statement with a “🔥” emoticon and I know Chris values her opinion a lot. Well, nyah nyah nah boo boo, he can sit next to Little Miss Columbia-Was-Already-Going-To-Stand-Up-Too-We-Just-Wanted-You-To-Have-The-Honor-I-Know-It’s-Been-A-Hard-Year Claire Shipman at the next House Committee on Education and the Workforce hearing instead. And also maybe pay for my Amtrak ticket.

4:51 - Was that a young, hip, time-capped Social Studies lecturer sporting a mousy brown beard and gray suit? I think I may be starting a trend. Teen Vogue called; they would like me to model for their summer 2025 “Fierce” issue.

5:26 - Maybe we SHOULD liquidate the endowment and bring in Ice Spice for Yardfest. Try taxing that, big man.

5:34 - I just got punched for three final clubs. The New York Times sent a bouquet of flowers and made a stan account. Also, Barack Obama said he is going to invite me to his birthday party.

5:45 - Not sure how it came to be that I am sitting at Grendel’s with the boys, but I hope it is made clear that this will have to be on the Fly Club’s tab.

6:13 - My vision is starting to get fuzzy due to the six bottles of Five Hour Energy I chugged before hitting send on that email. It appears we will be firing all the doctors so may as well make one last call to the optometrist.

6:48 - Does anyone know what to do about an ulcer that’s gotten kind of — nope, never mind, I think we issued a stop-work order on that.

7:08 - We sold my office supplies (to economize) so I am sitting on the floor writing this on a banana peel with a toothpick. It will be legible later; I saw this on Facebook.

7:15 - Well, bedtime is bedtime no matter what. Oh, would you look at that, they’re trying to yank the international students and pull our tax-exempt status. All right, then, this day was fun while it lasted.

Yona T. Sperling-Milner ’27, an Associate Editorial Editor, is a Social Studies concentrator in Cabot House. She picked up her commemorative Garber Gang sweatshirt yesterday and is excited to wear it once Harvard no longer has the money to pay for heating.