Advice to Josh: How to Survive Grade Deflation

Josh, in trying times like these, I find strength in the words of Thomas Hobbes: “The condition of Man… is a condition of Warre of every one against every one.” Yes, Josh, you heard that right: we have returned to the state of nature. The war for a B+ starts now — to say nothing of the coveted A+. I’m sorry, did I hear you stammer something about “collaboration” or “mental health” or some other idealistic nonsense? Wake the hell up.

As Renaissance man Niccolò Machiavelli wisely counseled, “the causes of the success or failure of men depend upon their manner of suiting their conduct to the times.” Collaborate? How passé. You must condition yourself to see every student as an enemy, an opponent to be crushed beneath the wheels of your grinding ascendence. There’s not enough room on this sinking ship for all of us: if you’re gonna survive, then you’ve gotta learn to kick the women and children out of the lifeboat and take it for yourself.

Don’t just refuse to collaborate on the p-set. Actively give your opponents (“classmates”) the wrong answers. Mislead, misdirect, delude, deny, confuse, obfuscate, harass, do whatever you can to survive. Are they absent from section? Make sure the TF knows. Are they grinding it out in Lamont? Toss a firecracker to unsettle their nerves. If there is no grade inflation, then all is permitted.

— Andrew W. Shlomchik

Josh, be not afraid. Sometimes, in the face of abject terror, survival can be an act of hope, so let us be hopeful. Practice respiration and inner peace. Attend lecture and pray for partial credit. Call your mother, who has an answer for everything. And should that answer not guarantee you the shiniest GPA, should the curve still fail to bend in your favor — despair not, Josh. Take a long walk along the Charles, the water striated, the sky bright as a jewel. Watch all that floats, despite.

— Associate Magazine Editor Elane M. Kim can be reached at elane.kim@thecrimson.com.

In the Garden of Eden, around the same time Harvard was being founded, there was a boy very much like yourself, young Josh. This boy was named Adam.

Adam asked any number of bothersome questions, ranging from the question of his being to the use of EdenPrint, and God grew increasingly tired of his inquisition. Whereas before, Adam was nourished by whatever fruits he could find, God now designated one forbidden apple as off-limits. He also gave Adam a companion in Eve that would induce him to partake of it. When God found out that his creations had tasted the forbidden fruit, he cast the pair down from heaven.

In case this Milton-esque parable has gone over your head, Josh, I will lay out this modern “Paradise Lost”: Adam is you, God is Dean of Undergraduate Education Amanda Claybaugh, Eden is your GPA, Eve is ChatGPT, and the forbidden fruit is your college-mandated Gen Ed’s grading policy. Devote everything, young Josh, to remaining within the friendly confines of Eden, lest your modern God smite your chances at grad school down from on high.

— Wyatt J. Meyer

I'll say what everyone’s thinking: become a humanities concentrator. Not because it’ll be a series of easy A’s (unlike Math 55 p-sets, ChatGPT hasn’t yet cracked Folk & Myth), but because it’ll teach you to ask the important questions. How does the recent cultural discourse around rigor at elite institutions reflect changing market value structures as understood through a Marxist feminist lens? If my grade reflects my thinking and I think therefore I am, am I *actually* my GPA? And, most importantly: why have we as a society exiled the letter “E” from the grading scale?

—Magazine writer Megha Khemka can be reached at megha.khemka@thecrimson.com.

Buckle in, buckaroo. It’s time to lock in. First off, you’re gonna stop skipping lecture. You keep telling yourself you’re gonna watch it online later, but who are we kidding, Josh. You never do. Maybe that’s why you didn’t do so well on that EC10 midterm. Ever consider that, Josh? Second, you’re gonna study better. Now, I know for a fact you are not getting any work done on the first floor of Cabot at 9:30 p.m. on a Sunday. So, we’re gonna change that. I’m sending you to the third floor of Lamont. Utter silence. Prime lock-in spot. You’re going to waddle your way up Lamont, plop your butt down, and put your AirPods in. What do I listen to, you ask? Great question, Josh. Search up “Ethereal Study Music” on Spotify. Press play. Voila. For the next two hours, you’re going to get that work done. You got this, Josh. I believe in you.

— Charan S. Bala

Dear Josh,

I know you may be feeling like The Great Deflation is upon us, and that Amanda Claybaugh is one of the harbingers of doom. College is already hard, and it may feel like they’re just making it harder — but look on the bright side: now, getting a bad grade is way more justifiable. Maybe that A- isn’t looking too bad now!

On a serious note, here’s a strategy that could work. Take classes you’re really interested in and don’t mind grinding it out for. But also, read the syllabus thoroughly and hunt for a gem or two to take alongside those each semester. Balance is key, and honestly, that 4.0 isn’t the only thing in the world that matters. It’s okay if you don’t have a 4.0. I'll say it again: it’s okay! You are more than just your GPA. Have you heard the saying? “B’s get degrees" — whether you choose to believe it or not, don’t let this one thing entirely taint your Harvard experience.

—News staff writer Thamini Vijeyasingam can be reached at thamini.vijeyasingam@thecrimson.com. Follow her on X @vijeyasingam.

It might be time to start doing the reading...

—Associate magazine editor McKenzie E. Lemmo can be reached at mckenzie.lemmo@thecrimson.com.