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It’s that time of year again. Tomorrow night, hordes of freshmen will stampede from River house to River house, taking a shot of liquor at each and praying to the omniscient (though assuredly not benevolent) river gods for good luck on Housing Day.
To begin with, let’s get one thing out of the way: We find River Run despicable.
We came to Harvard to study — not to have fun. That the University has long tolerated a tradition so debauched and morally deleterious as this is a stain on its long and uninterrupted record of moral purity.
In particular, the paragons of virtue on this Editorial Board stand in profound and unceasing opposition to underage drinking. These hallucinogenic libations corrupt the mind and weaken the body. They are beneath the dignity of our scholarly pursuits.
Despite our total and utter lack of participation in River Run (we never drink alcohol at The Crimson, as a matter of policy), if we had to put ourselves in the shoes of the drunkards and wastrels, we would find the College’s decision to provide the freshmen with swipe access a damn shame.
If the derelicts of the Class of 2027 insist on running the river, they should be chased. With pitchforks. Even the damned deserve to feel something. Still, freshmen can take solace: At least you don’t have midterms scheduled for the following day…
For those intrepid souls who might, against our counsel, partake in River Run, we offer a series of modest proposals:
In all seriousness, traditions like River Run (which we do not support) remind us that even amidst the stress of school, there’s always room for a little mischief. To the freshmen, we say: Drink water, make safe decisions, and care for your friends.
Run safely, run wisely, run well, and may your milk jugs be full.
This staff editorial solely represents the majority view of The Crimson Editorial Board. It is the product of discussions at regular Editorial Board meetings. In order to ensure the impartiality of our journalism, Crimson editors who choose to opine and vote at these meetings are not involved in the reporting of articles on similar topics.
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