Arts Vanity: What Your Favorite Song Length Says About You: A Musical Montage

Welcome. Have a seat! Given that my tenure as music executive soon begins, it is now my time to judge you on the most important minutia of the musical world — song length — and tell you what this means about your worth as a person. Let’s begin.

Less than 30 seconds.

You spend too much time on TikTok. The movement of fast consumerism has taken you over, and you’re beyond saving now. Also, according to some very nice-looking Medium histograms, the percentage of songs produced under 30 seconds is… small. So scratch my previous judgment — you’re a musical connoisseur, known for finding the most niche songs tracks to fulfill your transient tastes, and you deserve an award for it.

Between 30 seconds and 1:00.

Now you’re just trying to be cool. Trying to live life in the fast lane, yet it feels like you’re abiding by Memorial Drive’s 35-mph speed limit. Do better. Also there’s still like no music to listen to, so I think it’s time to switch things up.

Between 1:00 and 1:30.

We’re getting closer to the realm of actual music. You still like it fast, but now you’re a hip, new kind of fast. Although looking at it, this category actually contains some pretty eclectic music: It’s home to mumble rap songs and the Beatles alike, and even Pink Floyd’s “Another Brick in the Wall Part 3” falls under 90 seconds. Basically, you’ve got commitment issues, but not to the point where it hampers you too much.

Between 1:30 and 2:30.

This is where a solid amount of modern music lies. “Favorite Crime” by Olivia Rodrigo, “Mount Everest” by Labrinth (that one’s cheating by seven seconds), “Gucci Gang” by Lil Pump, pretty much all of XXXTentacion’s repertoire — the list goes on. Basically, you’re a member of Gen Z.

Between 2:30 and 3:30.

We’re getting a little more traditional here. In my humble opinion, this is the golden length for a song. Noah Kahan, Drake, and Billie Eilish all live here. When you sit down to write a song, if you don’t put too much thought into it, it comes out at this length. Short enough to remain interesting, long enough to contain some good development.

Between 3:30 and 4:30.

This is still pretty middle-of-the-pack, but for when an artist wants to do some more. Billie Eilish has a lot in the previous category, but her more involved songs like “Happier Than Ever” live here; a lot of Coldplay songs with drawn out bridges fall into this range, and this tends to be the median length for older songs (think the Beatles’ “Let it Be” and Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believing”). If you like songs this length, you’re just kind of boring. A little dull. Uninteresting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.

Between 4:30 and 6:00.

Now it starts to become a chore to listen to. Some of Justin Timberlake’s longer songs fit this bill, and certainly a lot of older songs (think “Simple Man” by Lynyrd Skynyrd). The thing is, if you’re listening to a song this long, it’s because it’s iconic. If you stumble upon songs this long, what’s the odds that you’re finishing it? That’s right, zero. If this is your favorite song length, you’re lying.

6+ minutes.

I’m just going to list some songs. “Free Bird.” “Bohemian Rhapsody.” “Hey Jude,” “Shine on You Crazy Diamond,” “Runaway.” “Rap God.” “Mirrors.” Every genre has its crown jewels. It’s a magnificent feat to write a song this long and have it sound good the whole way through, and it’s usually because of a quirk of some type. “Free Bird” has it’s legendary guitar solo, “Bohemian Rhapsody” is like three songs in one, and “Runaway” and “Hey Jude” both have some beautifully overdone outros. If this length is your favorite, either you only listen to your On Repeat playlist, or you really are just a legend, scouring the musical world for its biggest nuggets of gold.

— If you really are so inclined, you can reach incoming music exec (really getting the mileage out of that title) Alessandro M. M. Drake at alessandro.drake@thecrimson.com. I have zero unread emails. I’m a powerful being.