Arts Vanity: Excerpts from the Book of Eccl-eal-siastes

15 Verily, it is said by the EAL: “Say thou to them, and to the after-comers of them, Each article of your section, that nigheth to those things that be hallowed, in which is uncleanness, it shall perish before the EALs.”

2 What article soever of the board of Arts that hath single quotes in the body, or a double quote in the title, it shall not be published until it is fixed. And whoso toucheth such a thing and not changeth it is unclean.

3 Or whoesover doth not abbreviate the month between August and February when it be needeth, it being pleasurable unto the eye of the Crimson Style, whereby he may be made unclean.

4 The soul which hath touched any such incorrectly written dates, or dates with ordinal numerals, or which knoweth not that numbers above and including half-score be written out, or which in his uncrimsonly obstinance refuseth to learn how decades are to be written, shall be unclean until even, and shall not partake of the holy things, unless he wash his ignorance with Crimson Style.

5 And whosoever introduceth quotes, he shall be plagued by My wrath; for verily it is said: “If the exec defloureth the attribution, he shall be burnt in h-eal-lfire.”

6 And if they see him that hath sinned, being worthy of beatings, belonging to a semi-secret Sorrento Square social organization that used to occasionally publish a so-called humor magazine, they shall cast him face down, and the number of beatings, or strokes, shall correspond to the measure of the sin.

7 Therefore the one who attributeth crimsonly, and with verb following predicate, he be holy, for correct attribution and hyperlinking to an external source when it is needed is that which halloweth you.

8 The exec, that is the most writer among his bretheren, shall not ignore looking at fact checks. And utterly he shall not enter in to airtable any article missing class year and middle initial for a Harvard College student, lest he defoul the sanctuary of the EAL.

9 Neither he shall go out of the holy punctuation, for the holiness of using em dashes instead of hyphens and putting commas and periods within, not without, quotation marks is upon him.

10 And whoseover doubteth the Style, he shall consult the EALs or the Chairs; do ye it and his glory shall appear to you.

11 And be it that they know not, nigh thou to the altar of the Crimson Style Guide google doc or AP Stylebook, and offer thou for thy sin; offer thou burnt sacrifice; and when thou hast pressed command + f, look up what you seek as the EAL commanded.

12 And the glory of the Crimson Style appeared to all the multitude. And lo! proofs went out from the Chars, and devoured the pieces ready for proofs, and when the execs had seen this thing, they praised the Style and fell on their faces.

—Outgoing Arts Editor-at-Large Zachary J. Lech is a religion-loving atheist who wouldn't mind getting a degree in theology or starting a cult. You can reach him at zachary.lech@thecrimson.com.