Arts Vanity: Ranking My Obscure Musical Instruments

“Music is so important” – Anna Moiseieva, outgoing Music Executive and incoming Arts Chair, allegedly at some point.

Anna is right; music is important, which is why it’s time for me to publicly come clean about something that’s been plaguing my friends, enemies, and most notably my Lowell House entryway-mates: I have 16 obscure musical instruments stored within my approximately 100-square-foot dorm room. When I began college a year and a half ago, I was too afraid to share this collection with the world, for fear of facing retribution from my peers. But now, inspired by the Crimson Arts Board’s contagious embrace of the arts in all forms, I’ve decided to rank the top ten instruments in my campus collection.

10. Pan Flute

The wow factor of the pan flute is how whimsical it feels to play. Like the melodies of a forest nymph, the notes of this lightweight woodwind are gentle and soothing, suitable for a variety of accompaniment needs. My only qualm is the logistical challenge of actually playing specific notes which, when combined with the lack of online instruction, makes it incredibly difficult to play coherent pieces.

Favorite piece I’ve played on the pan flute: “Nobody” by Mitski.

9. Slide Whistle

There is no other instrument on this list that provides a better accompaniment to physical comedy than the walking punchline that is the slide whistle. With a stunning glissando reminiscent of the trombone, the slide whistle is sure to stun as both an instrument and an auditory gag.

Favorite piece I’ve played on the slide whistle: The “Succession” theme song.

8. Saxoflute

Yes, the target age for this instrument is two-to-four years old. But youth is wasted on the young! The saxoflute is like combining a recorder with a Lego set, and the result is so much more than the sum of its parts.

Favorite piece I’ve played on the saxoflute: “Hot Cross Buns” (the saxoflute is pretty limited…)

7. Steel Drum

Any instrument that lets me use mallets is one worth making my top ten list. Additionally, the fact that the entire body of the drum is pink means that this instrument is delightful both to play and to display.

Favorite piece I’ve played on the steel drum: “The Hanging Tree” from “The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 1” soundtrack.

6. Spoons

This isn’t your everyday kitchen spoon — it is actually two kitchen spoons held together by a wooden handle! The result of this culinary combination is a simple percussion instrument with a powerful visual impact. The best part about the spoons is their accessibility; you, too, could play the spoons without buying a thing by following this guide.

Favorite piece I’ve played on the spoons: The drum solo from “Whiplash.”

5. Piano Horn

Despite its cartoonish look and $9.99 price tag, the piano horn can actually sound surprisingly beautiful when wielded properly. As the first obscure instrument I ever owned, this one deserves a spot in my top five.

Favorite piece I’ve played on the piano horn: “Piano Man” by Billy Joel.

4. Kalimba

With mellifluous notes and unique customizable wooden exteriors, kalimbas take beauty to the next level. Any piece sounds good on the kalimba, and there are lots of covers to popular songs already transcribed online specifically for the instrument. Plus, to tune it, you get to use a special mallet on the individual prongs to hone each note to perfection — a fun bonus activity!

Favorite piece I’ve played on the kalimba: “Yellow” by Coldplay.

3. Otamatone

More than an instrument, the otamatone is a friend. With a cartoon-like face and a soft electronic spine, the otamatone invites experimentation and whimsy in collaboration with the musician. Each otamatone has its own vibrato and a unique sensitivity to touch, resulting in the peculiar sense that these instruments have their own individual personalities.

Favorite piece I’ve played on the otamatone: “Hallelujah” by Leonard Cohen.

2. Lowell Bells

Picture this: It is Sunday at 12:59 p.m. and you are slumbering away anywhere within a one-mile radius of the illustrious Lowell House. How peaceful. How boring. Luckily, the clock strikes 1:00 p.m. and you are awoken by the three glorious tolls of Mother Earth that emanate across campus, signaling the beginning of a half hour cacophony unlike any other. The Lowell belltower contains a set of 17 Russian bells originally from the Danilov Monastery that students now play every week. I do not own the Lowell Bells, so I couldn’t in good conscience put these at the top of the list, but I have had the honor of training to become a bellringer this semester and have found the process to be equal parts absurd and deeply meaningful.

Favorite piece I’ve played on the Lowell Bells: CHONK (the one where we try to play all 17 bells at the exact same time).

1. Handcrafted Wooden Kazoo

On my 19th birthday, my life was forever altered. On that day, I received easily the greatest gift of my life: a personalized wooden kazoo painstakingly handcrafted by one of my dearest lifelong friends. As a burgeoning engineer and fellow obscure instrument enthusiast, she turned a simple piece of scrap wood into a polished and functional kazoo, complete with my name laser engraved onto the piece. This kazoo is one of a kind. It epitomizes the ideals of the obscure instrument. It is and shall forever be the crown jewel of my collection.

Favorite piece I’ve played on this specific wooden kazoo: “All Star” by Smash Mouth.

—Incoming Comp Director and Culture Executive Stella A. Gilbert’s New Year's resolution is to obtain more instruments. All noise complaints can be sent to stella.gilbert@thecrimson.com.