Describe Your Ailment in 30 Characters or Less

If you’ve ever tried to make an HUHS appointment, you know my struggle. If you haven’t, I live in envy of your pastoral bliss. I picture you, a freshman starting your second semester, thinking you’ve made it through your first year unscathed by mono or a trip to Mt. Auburn. You’re in the peak of youth and vigor, laughing and playing cards around a table filled with fresh-faced friends.

Your search history is clear of the HUHS “patient portal,” and your mind is filled with idyllic notions about the attentive care you would receive were you to fall ill. I, on the other hand, disillusioned and embittered as my shriveled hands type this, have seen the infamous screen come and go.

I am talking about that terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad screen. A sight you will one day know when you finally contract strep throat from the shot glass you shared with your five blockmates in Lev Tower on the night before Housing Day (and for Leverett House? Really?). It’s the screen that informs the intrepid HUHS visit-seeker: “In few words, let us know your concern.”

When I first stumbled upon this message so long ago, it left me awash with ideas for a concise yet vivid retelling of the physical and emotional journey that led me to the once-shining gates of the “patient portal.”

However, my HUHS Hoopes Prize ambitions were cut short by fine print which informed me of a “[30 char limit].” Naïve and unsuspecting, I was sure there had been some sort of mistake: Surely they meant 30 words? Alas, I began to type “I guess it all started when I was eigh-” I stopped, confused as I repeatedly pressed the “t” key, before looking down and gazing at my fate.

There, beneath the text box was a character counter, informing me that four letters into the age when it all started was where my HUHS story ended. I was flustered, befuddled, and frustrated, but most of all, I felt a civic duty to get the word out about the word count and help my peers surpass its limitations.

So here, I present to you a short collection I have entitled “30 characters or less for HUHS.”

In Few Words, Let us Know Your Concern

[30 Char. Limit]

Hukd up w final club boi, std?

In Few Words, Let us Know Your Concern

[30 Char. Limit]

In ls1a, crying/very unstable.

In Few Words, Let us Know Your Concern

[30 Char. Limit]

Too much HUDS, too little h20.

In Few Words, Let us Know Your Concern

[30 Char. Limit]

Many symptoms, all of corona v

In Few Words, Let us Know Your Concern

[30 Char. Limit]

Cough, sneeze, sniffle, cough.

In Few Words, Let us Know Your Concern

[30 Char. Limit]

Hukd up w art boi now sad

In Few Words, Let us Know Your Concern

[30 Char. Limit]

Went 2 private skl, Hvrd dirty

In Few Words, Let us Know Your Concern

[30 Char. Limit]

Joined advo, addicted 2 ciggz?

In Few Words, Let us Know Your Concern

[30 Char. Limit]

BF stinks, I thnk health hzard

In Few Words, Let us Know Your Concern

[30 Char. Limit]

This is my concern, few words.

— Magazine writer Olivia E. Gopnik-Parker can be reached at olivia.gopnik@thecrimson.com.