Remember Elementary School V-Day Grams? Wait ’Til You See Her Now

Want to show someone in your life that you appreciate them this Valentine’s Day? Need help dazzling the crush you swoon over from afar? Or perhaps you’re brainstorming ways to best turn down an acquaintance? We here at FM have got you covered with our 2020 Valentine’s Day Grams!

What you pay: $10

What you get: We will deliver a dining hall plate of Red’s Best Fresh Catch to your crush’s door. For an extra $3, we’ll throw in a slice of chipotle mocha pork loin. For an extra $5, I will hand feed the entire meal to your crush. Throw in another $10 and I’ll whisper things like, “If Red thought this battered swai was the best catch, he clearly never met you!” I can also relay several interesting facts about swai, but that I will do for free.

What you pay: $12

What you get: A Writing Center tutor will proofread the GroupMe DM that you are about to send to the boy who sat across from you in your freshman seminar but never spoke to you directly. For some reason, he just sent you a message saying: Hey :) How’s your second semester going?? Haven’t seen you in awhile...it’s kind of crazy how we used to sit across from each other in class and now I’m stuck wishing we got to know each other better haha :) Anyway, any big plans for V-Day? EEK. The tutor pushes the clear frames of his glasses further up the bridge of his nose, clicking his .38 Muji pen — black — into the ready position. “First, let’s talk about structure,” he says.

What you pay: $15

What you get: We’ll send The Veritones to serenade your special someone with an acapella rendition of their favorite song! (Their favorite song must be either “Afternoon Delight” by the Starland Vocal Band, “Want You Back” by HAIM, or “Viva La Vida” by Coldplay).

What you pay: an Instagram shout-out

What you get: @remytheharvardcat’s owners will knit your loved-one a stunning orange sweater from the fur that Remy has shed. Note: may also include trace amounts of human hair and non-trace amounts of Hoisin sauce.

What you pay: annihilation of any chance you ever had of pursuing a career in politics

What you get: An AFVS concentrator will help you shoot bewitching — but seemingly effortless — nudes to send to the cutie you’ve had a Snapchat streak with since Visitas; nonchalant captions to accompany your Snapchats will be included. (Senders and receivers must be 18+. All photos will be tastefully underexposed).

What you pay: your left pinky, so that Harvard rats develop a taste for human flesh

What you get: An unnamed proctor from Canaday will deliver a rat to the door of the person that you were “exclusive” with all of fall semester, but who broke things off less than 36 hours after his return to campus for spring semester because he “discovered he still has feelings for” (had sex with) his home-town ex during winter break. Losing that pinky will hurt, certainly, but so too do feelings and difficult conversations.

What you pay: the sanctuary of imagination

What you get: A CAMHS therapist will help you come to the conclusion that your “crush” is actually just a romanticized construction of that person, and the interactions between you two that has no grounding in reality and, actually, more closely resembles a manifestation of unhealthy obsession and projection, rather than authentic love. You scheduled this appointment after seven weeks on the waitlist to talk about more pressing issues, but this will do.

What you pay: your data

What you get: A power duo (consisting of the students with the highest GPAs in CS50 and Tech Ethics) will create and install an algorithm that blocks all social media posts pertaining to Valentine’s Day from being displayed on your electronic devices.

What you pay: your dignity

What you get: The Harvard Alumni Association will provide you with the contact information of wealthy alums who just happen to have an account on SeekingArrangements and lack plans on the evening of Feb. 14.

What you pay: a year of Harvard College Tuition (before financial aid)

What you get: We will send a high-level Harvard administrator to DTR with the cute boy who leaned in to kiss you at a party once and then head nodded you in the Science Center Plaza two months later. It was an upwards head nod, by the way — the same nod he gives his buddies when they run into each other in the locker room before club lacrosse practice. Anyway, by paying for this service, you also consent to the sending of a university-wide email alerting the campus to the conclusion drawn from the conversation.

— Magazine staff writer Nicole B. Farina can be reached at nicole.farina@thecrimson.com. Follow her on Twitter @nicolefarinaa.