Listen, I Don’t Think It Was Unreasonable For Me To Wear My Latex Bodysuit to Adult Night at Legoland

Hey guys, we’re all friends here. Especially now that you’ve all seen the sleekly outlined contours of my body in this latex bodysuit that I, somehow wrongly, felt was appropriate to wear to Adult Night at Legoland Discovery Center Boston. I assumed we were all here for the same reason—to capital-D Discover the power of sensual touch against the backdrop of thousands of tiny plastic bricks. And naturally, we’re all aware of the excruciatingly uncomfortable sensation of a naked foot on those eight raised plastic nipply bits on the classic two by four Lego—and we have naturally all imagined that exact same sensation on significantly more sensitive parts of the body.

Folks. It’s between 7 and 9 p.m. on a Wednesday evening, it’s 2018, the theme is “I <3 Olympics” and we all know that none of us have kids waiting at home. I am frankly baffled that none of you correctly interpreted the implication of this event. I will admit, I was just notified that a neck-high black latex bodysuit complete with coordinating whip holster “does not conform to Legoland Boston’s Code of Conduct.” While I would normally agree, I have to reemphasize that this is Adult Night. In this two-hour window on a weekday night, interested adults who have no kids of their own are not limited to exploring Legoland’s 12 attractions. Interested adults with no kids of their own can also explore their own attractions.

And sure. The Facebook event didn’t say “no kids allowed,” but it did promise a cash bar for 21+ patrons. Kids can use neither cash nor bars. The evidence is very clear, and I’m not sure where you all went wrong.