Horoscopes: What Are You Doing This Summer?
Aquarius (January 20—February 18):
Your strong social skills combined with your passion for intellectual discussion will help you thoroughly enjoy an abroad program in [insert European country here]. You’ll discuss art, literature, and music, and will not let anyone else get a word in edgewise. You will have many friends, though they’ll all call you an arrogant smartass behind your back when you ditch them later that evening to read Chaucer aloud to yourself while nursing a glass of Cabernet.
Pisces (February 19—March 20):
You will hit the open road in a powder-blue 1968 Volkswagen van. You will have no plan or destination because it doesn’t matter, man. Life is beautiful; the ocean is beautiful; humanity is really something, isn’t it? You feel badly for your friends in 9-5 finance jobs because you could never be tied down. You’re free as a bird, or rather, as a fish (that’s your sign, after all). But, like, one of the cool, inedible ones.
Aries (March 21—April 19):
Your enthusiasm and optimism make you perfect for an internship at a startup. You have a can-do attitude and are willing to take risks. However, your impulsiveness and self-confidence will irk your co-workers who are just trying to streamline their #efficient app. Try not to be the teacher’s pet (for once). You will spend most of the summer sitting on your exercise ball chair in a North Face fleece, wondering why you’re still single.
Taurus (April 20—May 20):
The Taurus is inherently predictable. You already have an internship at Goldman Sachs. You’re an Ec concentrator. You’ve already signed to sublet from that random girl from high school who goes to NYU. You planned all of this with little effort in mid-November and then proceeded to tell your friends that you “don’t get why summer stuff is such a big deal.” Fuck you, Taurus. Fuck. You.
Gemini (May 21—June 20):
You’ll probably decide in August. Maybe.
Cancer (June 21—July 22):
You, the ever-emotional Cancer, will attend an acting conservatory and will be convinced that everyone hates you. You’ll channel your pain into your “craft.” After all, it is ~always~ about you. And you just want to find someone who will care about you and treat you how you deserve to be treated: worshipped, obviously. You just have a lot of feelings (coupled with too many TMI Instagram posts).
Leo (July 23—August 22):
Camp counseling will perfectly satisfy both your insatiable energetic tendencies and your constant need to be the center of attention. You love a large crowd and having many admirers. You’ll pretend to be embarrassed at all the friendship bracelets and lanyards you receive, but you won’t be. Nothing says “cool” like being adored by spoiled 11-year-olds whose parents are off in St. Barts. You can’t help it that you’re the Queen of Camp Point O’ Riverlaureltakahood. You’re also obviously the one who sneaks the booze into counselor campfires.
Virgo (August 23—September 22):
Virgos view the world in black and white, right and wrong. You will spend the summer doing research for a Computer Science professor, filling your days with lines of code. You’ll enjoy the routine of staying in Cambridge and your predictable schedule. Sound boring? It is. But since you’re secretly 65 years old, you’ll be happy. Well, as happy as a Virgo gets. Soft smiles all around.
Libra (September 23—October 22):
Your keen sense of justice paired with high energy make you perfect for an internship at a law firm. You appear cheerful on the outside, but your inner darkness will allow you to be a shark in the courtroom. You’re all about the balance. You’ll probably pair this intense internship with some early morning Bikram Yoga. Your indecisiveness may even cause you to drop the internship and become a certified yoga instructor instead. Your parents won’t mind, right? Namaste!
Scorpio (October 23—November 21):
Scorpios are intense, intelligent, egotistical, and not afraid to fight. This makes you perfect for politics. Ignore the outrage from your classmates—“How dare you work for this White House?!”—because you want power. You’re the Frank Underwood of the Zodiac and you’re always looking for the next promotion or valuable connection. You’ll also have a torrid affair with a prominent Senator during your time in D.C. If you thought your intensity was only work-related, you were mistaken.
Sagittarius (November 22—December 21):
You’ll spend the summer hiking through national parks, getting in touch with the outdoors. You’re an optimist, so you’ll figure out the whole job thing, eventually. Even though you’re a graduating senior. Who has not even thought about what they want to do. You probably haven’t even finished your thesis research. But it’ll all be alright. You won’t even consider believing otherwise. So you’ll just keep BS’ing Hebrew Bible until you can head for the hills. Literally.
Capricorn (December 22—January 19):
Your selfish arrogance is perfect for a job in Silicon Valley. You’ll head straight to [insert Google, Apple, or Facebook here] and pitch all the brilliant ideas you’ve accumulated over your 21 years of life. That’s old AF in tech, so you better get on it. You’ll be the kid on your project team that is the “ideas man,” but does none of the code and tries to take all the credit. Bop to the effing top, my friends.